Samantha Bee

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

TV Pitch: Odd Couple re-boot. LLCool J. Brad Paisley. "Accidental Racists" Hollywood, make it so. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

Happy spring. I just distended my uterus vacuuming pretzel crumbs out of the minivan. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

My yearbook photo caption should have read: Most Likely To Get Mangled By A Revolving Door. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

Waterbeds used to be a real thing that people felt good about. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

Is this the April Fool's Day prank? That grown adults give a single shit about it? Haha I get it. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

I told my children that they hatched from an Easter Creme Egg. So festive. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

Who needs a water cooler when you have Twitter? Tell the truth about your work secrets. I promise--no one's watching. #TruthTuesday — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

Working 9 to 5? 7-7? 6-eternity? Plenty of time to rack up secrets. Pls share. @Dove 1:00 EST #TruthTuesday #CareerCode — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

@robdelaney SSssssss...(the sound of me melting into a puddle upon exposure to the sun's rays) — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

So unaccustomed to sunshine. Is it safe to go outside? #Gollum — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

“@jay_olson: @iamsambee I passed off water as "earth juice" when my son was younger. True story.” Stealing this. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

I can't believe I just attempted to pass raisins off as "nature's candy." Even the two year old knows that's a load of horseshit. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

@HuffPostParents @thismelissasher @cuckoo_cachu @carlykimmel Aww, shucks. Thanks! — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

Right now I give myself a 3 out of 10 at parenting. http://t.co/eHMSA03nx4 — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

Today's posture brought to you by Rumplestiltskin. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

What the HELL is this chocolate-caramel-matzoh concoction and WHY HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING IT FROM ME and oh...ungh..*passes out* — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

@Mark_DMcKinney I feel like everything I've ever done has led up to this moment. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

Retires, pleased with self. See: last tweet. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

I'm "exAUSTINed" which is a new word I just made up for 'being tired after your trip to Austin.' — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

@MmeSurly it's better not to know — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

My worst nightmare is to be reincarnated as Barbara Streisand's spa therapist. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

RT @swalks: Game Time, my venison restaurant, opens Winter 2014. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

Its fun when you think your child is tickling your scalp, but they're actually drawing on your head with a red pen. Spring Break, Day 2. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

Lie about my relationship status? NEVER. (Wait-is omission still considered a lie?) @Dove #DatingSecrets #TruthTuesday — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

Romance in the 21st Century. Please tell me your secrets and let me live vicariously through you. @Dove #DatingSecrets #TruthTuesday — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

Just hunted down a nubbin of cheddar cheese in my fridge with the determination of a crackhead. I am amazing. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

@hodgman Thank you. I just made you the host. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

TV pitch: The Radio City Rockettes vs. the Terrifying European Clowns of Cirque Du Soleil — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

RT @theleanover: I'm nachosexual. — PolitiTweet.org

Samantha Bee @iamsambee

Changing my name to Bonjour Johnson. — PolitiTweet.org