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Samantha Bee @iamsambee
It takes over 190000 calories a day to keep up with the mood swings of three children 7 and under. — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
@TheBosha they keep banging on their ceiling which I *believe* signals their appreciation — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
After @jonesinforjason murders me, he will be haunted by the sound of flip flops flippity flopping around the apt on a Sat morning. — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
@SarahThyre are they for scooping salsa? — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
@CBSSunday please do a piece on how upset I get when I see French manicured toenails. — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
@DeliaEphron I would! — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
Long toenails. Why? Are you a velociraptor? — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
Go about your business. I'll just be over here googling "baby hippo" and quietly ovulating. — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
RT @ariscott: There's never a positive news story about a cruise ship. — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
@AllanaHarkin Gold Star! — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
@BackpackingDad no explanation required http://t.co/W3nLjlRMA8 — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
Just try explaining to your children that The Fonz was a sex symbol. Just. Try. — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
@JasperSailfin *shivers* — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
When are the cicadas coming again? Should I start vomiting now? — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
Sharpen Your Knives @allanaharkin http://t.co/K5SJwphTsS — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
Too busy performing the Grease soundtrack right now--no time to take a photo of my children's extremely bored faces. #sweaty! — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
@jonesinforjason told me I eat snacks like a pelican, which I *think* is another way of saying that he is attracted to me. — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
My pencil skirt is slowly snaking its way up my body like it wants to strangle me. — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
RT @dankmccoy: This guy and I used to be frienemies, but now I'm more of his friemurderer. — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
I just bought clothes at the grocery store. It's over for me, right? — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
@BruceLaBruce @raoulbhaneja You're making me blush! — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
Whenever I move, why am I confronted with so many mugs? HOW MANY MUGS CAN ONE WOMAN OWN. I wish mugs never existed. http://t.co/fqAJMRwgvY — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
@hayeslady Or Glutenous Maximus, my chain of all-gluten cheesesteak restaurants! — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
Society should shun me for the face I make when someone shampoos my hair at the salon. — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
My children's greatest fears, from Very Bad to The Worst: tornado, bee swarm, family accidentally runs out of chocolate chips. — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present the Daily Show's "Mixed Nutz" @zhubinparang @HallieHaglund @dankmccoy One night only! Tonight! — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
@mileskahn you're a nice boy — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
One of my fingers is poisonous. At least one. Maybe two. — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
“@etobian: @almadrigal @iamsambee @mileskahn @aasif @jonesinforjason @msjwilly I miss wyatt in that lineup!” Me too @wyattcenac! — PolitiTweet.org
Samantha Bee @iamsambee
I'm going to be SO RIPPED after I clean all the toilets in my new apt, yo! (Exceptjustonearmandmyfingershavecorrodedcompletely) But STILL — PolitiTweet.org
