Danielle Muscato (she/her)

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

But the point of using the mayo example is that it's relatable. People express passive aggression with everyday things like this all the time. The wrong kind of mayo isn't the point; it's that my mother isn't able to be assertive with me, and takes her anger out in this way. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

I literally almost died. I genuinely believe he should be charged with attempted murder for what he did. But he will claim "plausible deniability" and say he really couldn't find them for 3 weeks, and really did find them immediately after the judge ordered him to give them back. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

I got some feedback about my thread on passive aggression. Y'all, I know the wrong kind of mayo isn't a big deal. I could've used the example of my dad saying he "couldn't find" my meds for 3 weeks (!) until a judge ordered him to return them & then magically found em in 2 hours — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

I'm working on getting an apartment… I hope this weekend. Next I'll be selling a bunch of guitars! (I buy & resell guitars on Reverb). I'm really guitar-heavy/cash-light right now. If I'd known I'd be moving so soon, I'd have planned it better 🙃 Here's one—listing coming soon! https://t.co/IE8RgLZVHL — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

And the most important thing: No judgement, only compassion. No regrets, only wisdom. Choose kindness. It's a lifelong journey. You will stumble. The important thing is to learn from it. It's not easy. I've made mistakes & beat myself up. Then I remember: Choose kindness. 💕🎵 — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

Remember: 1. Don't attack 'em, WAC’em! (What's the issue, Ask for what you want, Check in) 2. Clarity is kindness. 3. Use "I" statements. Assertiveness is the healthiest way to communicate. Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this, please pledge to my https://t.co/7uz1EUf6WO — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

1) "Mom, when you roll your eyes at me, I feel disrespected." ⬅️ Use "I statements"—do not blame! 2) "Could you please look me in the eye when we're talking, instead of rolling your eyes?" ⬅️ Ask for what you want instead 3) "Is that okay with you? I appreciate it." ⬅️ Check in — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

It's okay to call out passive aggression. It's healthy and productive to do so. It's okay to ask for changes in behavior. Use the WAC’em method: 1) What the issue is 2) Ask for what you want instead 3) Check in with the person. Example: — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

The shower head was HARDLY the only, nor the worst, example of his abusiveness. It's just a real-life example I'm using of passive aggression. My dad is usually more of a fan of aggression & violence vs passive aggression. My mom is more passive aggressive. Both are abusive. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

Clearly, the real reason wasn't that he wanted a plumber to do it: That's absurd. It wasn't that he didn't have time: He had 18 months. It wasn't that he forgot: I reminded him literally 100+ times over 18 months He wanted me to suffer & be unclean, to punish me. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

Finally, his emotional & financial abuse escalated to assault & battery. I left in a hurry to go to a hotel for a couple of days to give him some space to cool down. He illegally changed the locks (I have a written lease). He successfully procrastinated until it was a non-issue. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

Every week or two, I would remind my dad that I wanted him to call a plumber. He's a multi-millionaire, it's not a matter of cost. I even offered to go to Lowe's and get one and install it myself, but he kept saying he wanted a plumber to do it. For 18 months, he made excuses. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

Over the next 18 months that I lived with him, I only took baths. It's hard for me to get in & out of the tub, & the drain in the tub in their basement apartment where I lived couldn't close properly, but also wasn't removable, so I couldn't just put a rubber seal over it. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

When I arrived to move in, my dad had "not gotten around to it." I asked him to get to it ASAP so I could bathe. He said he would prefer to have a licensed plumber come and do it, even though that's totally unnecessary. But, it's his house, so I let it go. He didn't call one. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

I can't bend over at the waist because of chronic pain, and bathing is difficult for me, even with a shower stool. I can't stop, lean over, twist, etc to use a regular shower head. These things are $30 and can be installed in 10 minutes with some sealant tape and a screwdriver. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

Sometimes passive aggression takes the form of absurd excuses, to avoid doing what you don't have the confidence to say you don't want to do. For example: I needed back surgery, & moved back in with my parents to recover. Before I moved in, I requested a removable shower head: https://t.co/4tt6sI8ejx — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

In my experience, the best way to respond to passive aggression is to call it out, but be careful! Use "I statements," DO NOT accuse the aggressor of aggression. For example, try "I can see this isn't a good time to have a serious conversation. Let's try again later." Be honest. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

Rolling your eyes at someone is another form of passive aggression. So is sighing. My mother, absurdly, claims that rolling your eyes isn't rude. She claimed not to understand that it's a sign of disrespect! She knows what she's doing. This is gaslighting, & it's abusive. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

My mother is a covert narcissist. She's unable to listen to me because she thinks nothing I have to say has any value or import. She is aware enough to know, of course, that she can't say that directly or she'll get accused of starting a conflict. So she strategically ignores me. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

In the situation w/the magazine, I said to my mom, "Could you please look me in the eye while we're talking about something important?" she responded with a big sigh and rolling her eyes. I said, "Could you please not roll your eyes at me? It's rude." She called me "nasty" again — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

You have to be careful calling out passive aggression, because the aggressor will do 2 things in response: Play dumb, & play the victim. They will pretend you're reading into something that isn't there, & pretend that YOU'RE the aggressor. This is gaslighting, and it's abusive. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

Then, she got out her phone, and started scrolling on Facebook. Again, this is passive aggression: Doing/saying one thing, but meaning another. What she really wanted me to know is that she doesn't care to listen. But with the plausible deniability of not saying so directly. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

I said to her, gently, "Mom, could you please not read a magazine while I'm trying to have a serious talk with you?" She made a disgusted face and called me "nasty." This is a form of playing the victim. When I gently took the magazine from her, she did a big, exaggerated sigh — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

Another example: When I once sat my mother down and asked to talked to her about something serious, she agreed to, & sat down with me. But, she immediately started reading a magazine she brought with her, instead of looking me in the eye. That's her way of saying, "I don't care." — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

My mother is a medical doctor and medical school professor. She's completely capable of following simple instructions. She got everything else on her list, exactly as written. It's not an accident, it's not a miscommunication. It's her way of saying she thinks I'm fat. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

I talked to her kindly and politely about it, that I prefer Hellmann's real mayo. The next time, she bought Hellmann's Light Mayo. The plausible deniability is still there, but the point is more obvious this time: She's really trying to say I'm fat—It's a judgement of my choices — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

I've used this example before, but when my mother once offered to let me add items to her grocery list, & I wrote down Hellmann's Mayo—but she bought Miracle Whip Light—that's passive aggression: She claimed she didn't think there was a difference, so I HAD to shrug it off. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

When someone uses passive aggression, they are trying to force YOU into the role of aggressor. That way, they can play the victim when you bring it up. Often, ANY direct communication is painted as aggression. They might respond, "Whew!” as though you yelled, for mentioning it. — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

Passive aggression is dishonest. It's a form of lying. It's not the same as being coy, which is a friendly, flirty version of saying one thing but meaning another. It's not a double entendre (innuendo). It's "avoiding" conflict by playing dumb. It's insulting, rude, unkind, lying — PolitiTweet.org

Danielle Muscato (she/her) @DanielleMuscato

Plausible deniability is the motivator for passive aggression. You can't get mad at someone for forgetting something, right? It happens. But when someone strategically forgets something to send a hidden message, like "I don't care to remember," that's passive aggression. — PolitiTweet.org