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Showing page 210 of 211.
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, then I guess I just got away with tree murder. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
By reading this tweet, you have earned a masters in communication from Stephen Colbert "University." Standard text messaging rates apply. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
My only problem with online universities is the difficulty of throwing an online keg party. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If our flag has 13 stripes, shouldn't our year have 13 months? The new month can be called Amonthica. Also I need to take Amonthica 3rd off. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
my two emmys are getting along so well, i think one of them might be pregnant — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Iran began loading rods into their reactor. But I thought Iran's strict moral code called for the stoning of anyone caught "rod loading"? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Iran may have a new weapon, but there's a bright side: they have to acknowledge Israel exists before they can attack it. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Have you seen this? http://yfrog.com/mu3xpj — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The one thing I'll never understand about calculus is how to do it. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If there are any ufo nielsen families out there, please tell me what I can do to attract you. Human enslavement? Guest probes? just say it. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
This Emmy is my new favorite rich guy thing to serve tacos out of. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I can't believe my writers won another Emmy. Now they're going to start demanding snack breaks. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If (well-known maxim), then why (twist on literal meaning of maxim)? Hey, my writers didn't do my tweets either! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I finally found a word that rhymes with orange! Orangutan! The "utan" is silent. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
You have to break a few chairs if you want to make an omelet. I'm sorry, making omelets just makes me really mad. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I finally found a word that rhymes with orange! Orangutan! The "utan" is silent. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
bed bugs are on the rise, giving way to the new expression: "goodnight. sleep tight. oh my god! they're everywhere! get them off!" — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
It's a good thing the gulf shrimp aren't tainted -- I'd hate to be forced to eat at the Bubba Gump Slug Company. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
It’s OK. One of my best friends is cinnabar. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I can see why all these people want to leave Mexico. Last time I was in Cabo, the towel service was ATROCIOUS. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
This just in: Brett Favre has re-retired! Probably. I’m playing the odds on this one. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Should news organizations make campaign contributions? Isn't it enough that they refuse to ask follow-up questions? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Caution: my piece on the meat industry may contain portions of my piece on the rodent hair industry. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The worst part about Newsweek rating America below Luxembourg is that now I've heard of Luxembourg. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
It appears I didn't get the lead role in Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Guess I should have waited before getting inked. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
How much is that doggie in the window? The one with leather and laces. Oh, wait, that's a pair of shoes. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Why does Mexico need gay marriage? We already have a gay Mexico-- Spain. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Richard Clarke warns: next terrorist act will be cyber attack. That’s why I recommend sticking to TV till this whole thing blows over. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
So many people have security clearance, that top-secret files are now exchanged via skywriting. — PolitiTweet.org
