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Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I absolutely love this time of year. 8:12 p.m. on a Thursday, Eastern Time. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If parking lots fill up for my march in DC, (http://bit.ly/aas7uq) you might have to find space on the street and PARALLEL PARK! Afraid now? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Cash saving tip: if your ascot frays around the edges, make your butler pay his own bus fare when he buys you a new one. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I bet Copernicus also believed the earth travels around a bag of sun chips. What an idiot! Also, who was Copernicus? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
There's nothing like fresh milk straight from the udder, but it's tough to find a fridge big enough to accommodate a whole cow. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
To me, wind farm noise is like a beautiful symphony, but instead of timpani, you get the sound of birds being sliced in half. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The loud Sun Chips bag is dead! Long live the original Sun Chips bag! Which it will, since it's not biodegradable! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
LOTR "The Two Towers" on Fri. & Sat. at Radio City with live orchestra! Can't wait to see Frodo in the kick-line! (http://bit.ly/5vNZxG) — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Dentists just came up with a way to fill cavities using acid. Great news if you're less scared of acid than drills! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I don't know what kind of fruit a jamba is, but I know that I like its juice. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
New FAQ at http://keepfearalive.com! Read it or risk waking up in a bathtub full of ice, missing a kidney. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Go to http://www.donorschoose.org/truthiness and make a donation! Let's strike fear into the hearts of their IT staff! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Oh! I figured out one more position - TWO hats! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Tonight, I take a look at the senseless and inhumane behavior taking place in Mexico. And no, this time I'm not talking about Spring Break. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The CEO of Twitter stepped down. Damn you, fail whale! How many men must you destroy before you are sated? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Republicans want to block Obama's plan for high speed rail. How dare he try to take away hobos for the rich to shake canes at?! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
JUST TO STICK IT TO CONGRESS AND THEIR C.A.L.M. ACT, I'VE ALSO RAISED THE VOLUME OF MY TWEETS!!!! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Would somebody come fix my spell check? It keeps telling me I don't know how to spell banananananana. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Home is where the heart is. Specifically, beneath the floorboards in my bedroom. Why won't it stop beating?!?! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Tonight, I take a look at statistics and what they mean. I think 320% of you will find it informative. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I treat my robot valet like my interns. He's paid in online college credit. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Went to the Lehman Brother's art auction today & bought a mixed-media work containing my original mortgage. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
An Earth-like planet has been discovered 20 light years away. Great. Now even the Earth's job isn't safe. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
A wise man once said, "Stephen, what do YOU think? I trust you a lot more than I do myself." — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
My March to Keep Fear Alive (http://bit.ly/aas7uq) is already spreading fear--the fear that there will never be a greater event in history. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Sure, take the sanity bus to @rally4sanity. After all, there's nothing to fear on a bus...except bus weevils! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Why is it that the only things you can monger are fear and fish? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If I could have one superpower, it would be the power to have three superpowers. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
There's a paper clip next to my computer. I either dropped it, or it's Clippy trying to escape from MS Word. Either way I'm throwing it out. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Come to my rally dressed as your biggest fear (http://bit.ly/aas7uq). I assume most tweeters will come dressed as the 141st character. — PolitiTweet.org
