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Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
No animals were harmed in the taping of tonight's show. Wait, do humans count as animals? Because Jay the Intern was mauled by the lynx. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
There's four things I'm no good with: faces, names, and numbers. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Hey cantaloupes! With a more positive attitude, you could become CAN-eloupes. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I'm so mad I lost my banana fortune. Luckily, I'm still heavily invested in bananarama futures. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
It's great that they took the N-word out of "Huckleberry Finn." Now get to work on "Moby D-Word." — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
It's the first day of the 112th Congress! It's just like the first day of school, in that most members require daily naps. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
One reason not to switch our currency to gold: dollars make horrible dental fillings. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Now I ain't sayin' Ron Paul's a gold digger, but he ain't messin' with no broke system-of-paper-currency-that-will-make-our-debt-bigger. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I didn't want to, but I had to throw my Xmas tree to the curb. My Jack-O-Lantern was starting to look lonely out there. And squishy. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
My New Year's Resolution? Keep my tweets in shape. Gonna do some tweet-ups. ``~-hh__nngh-->"^ Whew. Harder than it looks. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Happy New Year, Nation! It's 2011! The first thing I'm going to do is wonder for two months whether this is a leap year or not. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Welcome to the Year of Colbert, Nation! To celebrate, I'm going to give you 161 new shows. You're welcome. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Take a minute this holiday season to support Iraq and Afghanistan veterans: http://IAVA.org/Holiday #IAVA — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I got everything I wanted for Christmas! That's right: I asked for everything. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If you're reading this now, I can only assume it's because your family is boring the crap out of you. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
You hear a lot about milk and cookies for Santa, but no one ever talks about which model of bear trap to use. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I'm on break! And the fact that I'm tweeting about it may be the first sign of my Twitter addiction. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Disappointingly, the one project missing from Amy Sedaris' book of crafts is how to make a book of crafts. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Tonight is my last show before drinking, and I've been Christmas all day. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Only 9 days left to fortify your homes against the Grinch. He must not get his hands on our roast beast! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Paul Simon is on the show tonight! I have only 17-and-a-half hours to grow my hair into a Garfunkel! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Is Laird Hamilton the Tony Hawk of surfing, or is Tony Hawk the Laird Hamilton of skateboarding? Am I the Laird Hamilton of mind-blowing? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I thought that by now our cyber wars would be fought by machines sent from the future to kill John Connor. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I hope the conservative Supreme Court justices stay alive long enough to strike down Obamacare. Luckily, they have gov't health insurance. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No wait, I was right the first time. It's a sky. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Gah! My interview with Stephen Sondheim is still stuck in my head! That guy is so damn catchy. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I refuse to provide this link to water.org's facebook page (http://on.fb.me/9ObDiS) until I'm cast in "Ocean's 14." — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I hope there aren't any typos in the Prop 8 legislation, or else no one named Gary could get married in California. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Why was Prop 6 afraid of Prop 7? Because Prop 7 Prop Ate Prop 9. Just a little legal humor for you. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
For Christmas this year I gave half my staff iPads and the other half switchblades. Let's see what happens! — PolitiTweet.org
