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Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I bet employees at water cooler factories can gossip wherever they want. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If that woman the cops tasered at CVS was really innocent... why did they find taser marks on her? Check and mate, ACLU. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I don't have a good head for numbers. Hats is more its thing. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Is it just me, or is it getting tougher and tougher these days to find a reputable pogs tournament? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
You have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool me, or by 3 p.m. if it's a Saturday. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If our universe is just one slice in a giant loaf of cosmic bread, I hope it's not the gross end-piece. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Instead of publishing his findings on ESP porn, Dr. Bem should have followed the standard academic practice of erasing his browser history. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Every night I hold a mirror up to society, but not before turning it around to check my hair first. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
My fork-phone drops a lot of calls and the occasional tortellini. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
State of the Union was thrilling! Oh, sorry, I meant "xXx: State of the Union" was thrilling! Rented it last night. Bravo, Ice Cube! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I wonder if there's some guy out there named Tim Anonymous who's never gotten credit for anything he's ever done. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Happy the "The King's Speech" was nominated. It'll raise awareness of the debilitating speech impediment known as "British accent." — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
"Fish Out Of Water" stories are considered fun, but I tell one "Kitten Tossed In The Ocean" story and suddenly I'm a monster. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If we're going to compete with Chinese tiger moms, we need to let actual tigers raise our kids. It would teach them ferociousness! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I don't want Sharia Law messing with our constitution! That's the job of Scalia Law. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If Obama really believed the state of our union was strong, he would have proved it by karate chopping that podium in half. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I hope I don't fall asleep during the president's State of the Union speech .lajk;sdflka;jhklajdsgkllka;jdfgl;akjf'klg'ajfg'ja'jg'a. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
This Super Bowl is set to be an epic battle between classic NFL franchises and my general disinterest in sports. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Oprah revealed she has a secret half-sister. Great, now everybody is going to want one. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I didn't actually read about Rahm Emmanuel's mayoral disqualification in the news. I heard his swearing in the wind. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Congratulations to the Packers and the Steelers! You're both a credit to the defunct industries that are your namesakes. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Happy 16th anniversary Rick and Martha! I figure with 2 million twitter followers, odds are, that'll apply to someone. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I’ve had enough of Microsoft outsourcing our font jobs. I demand Times New “American”! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
NFL playoffs continue this weekend. For you that is. I’ve already seen the games on my new 4-D TV. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
American Idol is back, and I love the two new judges-- Jennifer Lopez and the elf from "Dark Crystal." — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I’ve gone bankrupt a few times and it’s pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
My guest tonight is MSNBC anchor Chris Matthews. We're going to play some "real" hardball. Not really. I'll just ask him some questions. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
President Obama said if the Bears win this weekend, he's going to the Super Bowl. Ha, good luck getting a ticket. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Turns out the cast of Hair should have been singing "The Dawning of the Age of Capricorn." — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Instead of an opulent state dinner, Obama should've taken Hu Jintao to Denny's and pretended he was under 12 to eat free. — PolitiTweet.org
