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Showing page 199 of 211.
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Being surrounded by "Yes men" all day can get a little frustrating. That's why I'm thinking of hiring some "Yes, absolutely men." — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Happy Canadian Christmas! I assume they celebrate all our holidays at random. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I bet Reagan loved Tetris. What other game lets you tear down walls while things trickle down from the top? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Don't run with scissors. You can go faster if you're riding a motorcycle. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
It's the 25th anniversary of 25 years ago. Wow, it seems like only 24 years ago. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Really hope Arizona legalizes handguns on city buses. So tired of requesting a stop by pulling that little cord. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
You should never run with scissors - unless there's an urgent paper bisecting emergency to get to. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The king of Bahrain is giving every citizen 1,000 dinars to stem unrest. Let me just say, I have never felt more proud to be Bahraini. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Border's may file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. No surprise. They've been foreshadowing it since Chapter 3. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Today @ Ben & Jerry's Scoop Shops, buy 1 scoop of Americone Dream and get 1 free. Beats buying one scoop and asking for 40 sample spoonfuls. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
When people notice my scar, I say 'you should have seen the other guy,' because it's true - I cut that surgeon really badly. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Wearing edible undies for V-day. They're "Fruit of the Loom" flavored, but the pair I ate at lunch didn't taste like any identifiable fruit. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Valentine's Day is almost here! Ladies, get your hopes up! Fellas, get your apologies ready! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If I had a nickel for every time I said "If I had a nickel," I'd have 2 nickels. I don't say it much. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
A new study says that parrots tend to be left-handed. So that's why mine never got the hang of using scissors. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I can't believe the (Twitter Admin: Please insert the winning team here) won the Superbowl! I won $(Bookie: Please insert my winnings here)! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I'm off next week, so until I come back, please recombine the letters in this tweet into new ones for your enjoyment. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I don't tell tales out of school. So when I want to gossip about co-workers, I break into a school. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I'm so happy to tweet that The Daily is revitalizing the newspaper! In the sense that people are using the word "newspaper" again! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The price of sugar is at a ten-year-high. Investors, start borrowing neighbor's sugar now! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Walgreens is selling 50 cent beer. Hopefully they're also selling 2 dollar stomach pumps. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I don't blame Mubarak for what's happening in Egypt. I blame his evil vizier Jafar. Who appoints a parrot to a cabinet position? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I just hit 2 million twitter followers! If only there were a way to tell them I also have a TV show. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Orange you glad I didn't say banana? Ha-ha. I just now get why that joke is funny -- oranges aren't in season. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Just like you, I put my pants on one leg at a time. Mostly because I need to kill time while my shirt-robot warms up. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Thought I'd let my gut-brain tweet tonight. Here goes: Uuugh too many wyngz... churn... burp... rumble... growl... more wygnz, please! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
My thought for food segment was so moving that it brought tears to my eyes. Oh wait, that's gravy. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Food that talks to our gut-brains will free up our head-brains to do what God intended them for: finding more food. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Dibs on being the first tweet Egyptians read when they get Internet back! Dibs!!!! — PolitiTweet.org
