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Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If I was a Supreme Court Justice, I'd take all the buffet's individually-wrapped butters. I answer to no manager! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Now that I'm Jewish, most of my self-confidence is based on how good I am at doubting myself. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Millions of dead anchovies have washed up in California. I guess the ocean can't stand the taste of them either. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I'm starting, to suspect that I, don't know, how to use commas. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
There's something I've been meaning to get off my chest for years. Thankfully, I have a dermatology appointment next week. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Todd Rundgren sang "I don't wanna work I just wanna bang on this drum all day" but wasn't banging on a drum all day his job description? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
They say if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Well, I guess I need to figure out a way to join athlete's foot. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Having an amazing show. almost as amazing as the new iPad 2. Hope I'm getting one. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
First, they take away my incandescent bulbs. What's next? The styrofoam rifle I use to hunt endangered white rhinos? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Happy fat tuesday! Or as it's now known, given our obesity rates: tuesday. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
In honor of Mardi Gras I am tweeting topless. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Italian may be the language of love, but English will always be the language of apologizing afterwards. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Especially since I diverted that runoff pipe into my neighbor's yard. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I love a good thriller. Which is why I always shoplift Tom Clancy novels from Barnes & Noble. Will I get caught? I'm on the edge of my seat! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Don't forget to bid on my portrait at tomorrow's auction. Hey did you just scratch your nose? That counts! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
My new iPad is going to completely revolutionize the way I constantly mention my new iPad! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Tweeting this on my old ipad. lkjljsd*#a Ah, I just dropped it! Help i'm pinned under its massive weight!!! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
UPDATE! Deadline to register online to bid on my portrait has been extended to noon tomorrow. To register, visit http://bit.ly/g3TUyo — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
My portrait goes up for auction tomorrow! To bid online, register by 2:00 today at http://bit.ly/fc8xbB — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I'm getting the iPad II because I'm an early adopter - in that I couldn't have one naturally. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Charlie Sheen just set record for "fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers." Not his only speed record. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
In my last brain-freeze induced hallucination, I learned the hard way that there are a lot of things I won't do for a Klondike Bar. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Now Jimmy Fallon is entering the ice cream market?! It was bad enough when I had to fight to keep my flavor from becoming AmeriConan Dream — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If Gingrich and Huckabee are off Fox News, how will they offer the full spectrum of opinion from far right to center right? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Watch my show tonight if you want to see "Slightly Earlier Night with Jimmy Fallon!" I can say no more. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Scientists say nuclear war could stop global warming. I don't know about that, but things will definitely cool off without all that skin. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The iPad 2 will be released on March 11th. Of course, as a celebrity, I'm already using my complimentary iPad 7. The screen touches ME! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I've always thought the obituaries could use more product placement. They can be "in loving memory foam." — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Step one for economic recovery is probably negotiating with the raccoons who've taken over our abandoned factories. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
@WisconsinResidents This is a courtesy tweet checking on the status of your refrigerator. I hope it is functioning properly. — PolitiTweet.org
