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Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Part of me wonders if the inside of a pig's mouth constantly tastes like bacon. And the other part says I don't need to test that again. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
http://Colbertnation.com has a huge, beautiful, tempting, shiny, magical button to help Jimmy Fallon's fund raising. Resist its siren call. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Don't go to http://tinyurl.com/4szz8a6 and give to the Donors Choose Fallon-Colbert project, unless you want my song to change you forever. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
People who are more religious aren't fatter. We're just big-beliefed. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The President doesn't have a plan for Libya, any more than I have a plan for this tweet. Hm, now what? Look, a balloon! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
How could Jimmy Fallon be surprised by my pledge of his for donor's choose? It's right there in the name, I CHOOSE the DONOR. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I'm glad I did that segment about unions, though I would've walked out in the middle if it spilled over into my break time. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
My graphics guys spent 8 hours on that Chaos in Chaonada intro. The least the Canadians could do is blow up a moose or something. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Help veterans get jobs. We already know they can handle workplace stress. http://bit.ly/gueC4z — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Why buy the cow when you can buy milk at the supermarket? It's a lot cheaper. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Science and food ARE linked. True story: Jonas Salk stumbled upon the polio vaccine while perfecting a gravy recipe. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If we mix science with food, it's only a matter of time before people believe we evolved from a PB&J sandwich. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If you liked this week's art auction trilogy, you'll love the prequels with JarJar I'm releasing in 20 years. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Some days I find it impossible to get out of bed. I never should've bought one designed by M.C. Escher. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Whoever wins my portrait auction better pay promptly or else they won't get an "A++++++ sUPeR Gr8 bUyER!! A+++++++!!" rating from me. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Public service announcements are socialist. You want information about tainted water supplies? Earn it! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
In addition to my portrait, I'm also putting Steve Martin's banjo up for auction. Don't tell him I stole his banjo. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
It's Twitter's fifth birthday! I have so many good wishes for them that I'd write right here if only I had more a good deal more characters. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Tonight, Steve Martin plays a track from his new album "Rare Bird Alert." Bluegrass-loving ornithologists, set your Tivos now! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Haven't tweeted in a week, but I feel grea...^&lwe;owgahhh! I was over confident, pulled a tweet muscle!! Knew I should've stretched! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The lucky numbers on my last few fortune cookies have been way off. Get it together, China! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Scott Walker took down the unions! Wisconsin's budget problem is fixed! Now on to the part of the deficit caused by gay marriage. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The Tenn. ban on shariah will stop terrorism at the source, provided terrorists only want to destroy America within the bounds of Tenn. law — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
When those big doors part at Tim Pawlenty's approach, it's like Moses entering a department store! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Newt Gingrich wrote the Contract With America. Based on his infidelities, he better also have a prenup With America. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Next time Newt Gingrich visits New York, we might need to wipe down the Statue of Liberty. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning. But honestly, by evening, I'd probably move onto something like sawing. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Oil prices reached $106 a barrel on Monday - now how am I supposed to afford my slip and slide? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I'm glad "The Social Animal" isn't about chimpanzees in top hats and monocles. Because they make terrible cocktail party dates. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Congressman Weiner had better watch his step, or in 20 years Justice Thomas's wife will be calling him asking for an apology. — PolitiTweet.org
