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Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Barnes & Noble is rumored to be releasing a new Nook later this month. If their marketing team is smart, they'll call it the iPad 3. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
It's the fiftieth anniversary of the first American in space. I believe 50 is the shutting-down-manned-space-flight anniversary. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
All you kids studying for the SATs, remember: Long Putters are to Gay Marriage as Donald Trump is to Qualified. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I wish real life was more like the game Mafia Wars, in that my friends would ask me to do things with them. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If Superman has turned against America, does that mean that Bizarro Superman is FOR America? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Still looking for a buyer on that stolen Vermeer. Don't make me break into the museum and put it back. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Revenge is a dish best served cold. That's why I always take my revenge in the form of gazpacho. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
No one throws a Cinco de Mayo party better than I do! Oh god, is that why so many illegals are sneaking into America? What have I done?!?! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
In some cultures, emaciation is a sign of beauty. Wait, that's our culture! Sorry, new diet making me dizzy :-P — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I also want to end stereotypes about the obese. I'd never hurt their feelings. They're so jolly! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Tonight really messed up my bathroom habits. Now I have this weird thing where I can't go unless Letterman is around. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Was our operation to take out Bin Laden dangerous? Sure. Illegal? Perhaps. Satisfying? You bet your left eye. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I'm willing to add insult to injury. Hey tennis elbow, you're a big dumb fat jerk. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
To prepare for my interview with Rex Ryan, I watched the first 7 seasons of "Coach." — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If Supply and Demand is making US gas prices rise, maybe we should switch to the Canadian economic model of Supply and Ask Nicely. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
My plan to solve the oil crisis: 1) Reincarnate dinosaurs 2) Slaughter all reincarnated dinosaurs 3) wait 7 million years 4) Free Oil! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
These out-of-control gas prices are making me consider getting a hybrid car -- then selling it for gas money. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Not to take credit, but I totally said we should kill Bin Laden, like, 10 years ago. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If we had to bury Bin Laden at sea, couldn't we at least have hooked him up to a dunk tank? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Good thing we got Bin Laden's laptop. With no Internet at the compound, he must have gotten a ton of work done. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
When you think about it, Barack Obama spent 831 days of his presidency NOT killing Osama Bin Laden. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I swear, if Barack Obama finds WMDs in Iraq, I'm gonna be pissed. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Turns out Bin Laden compound burned trash instead of leaving it on street. Smoke signals spelled out "nothing to see here." — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The hardest part about sending Navy Seals after Bin Laden must have been flooding the compound first. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I never thought I'd actually write this, but after taking down Bin Laden, I have no choice but to give Barack Obama my most heartfelt congr- — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I assume operatives in the next level of al Qaeda are fighting over who gets Bin Laden's stapler. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Bin Laden was hiding in Pakistan. Shoot! In the office capture pool, I bet "Des Moines Best Western." — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
It's crazy how the whole world can change over the course of one weekend. I still can't believe Mariah Carey had twins. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The New York Mets are $600 million in debt. Time to shake things up: there's nothing in the rules that says a dog can't chase baserunners. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
At the Royal Wedding Reception. The Queen is blitzed on Mai Tais and keeps screaming for the DJ to "crank the Foghat." — PolitiTweet.org
