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Showing page 186 of 211.
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I need to restock my straight bunker. Anybody got a case of Brut cologne and a pocket fisherman? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The NFL lockout is over! And just in time too. The $14 movie nachos were just barely getting me through my $17 stadium nachos withdrawal. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The forest lights lie in buttery velvet. Hmm... I need to stop writing my tweets with magnetic poetry. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I can't wait to watch Shark-Boob Week. We're going to need a bigger bra! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Palindromes are the bisexuals of the word world. Stop corrupting our kids, "kayak"! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
America is 2 for 2 in Space Races! Our citizens take up the most space, and also the moon thing. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Only 25% of American students have passed their geography test. Really? Even the ones living in West Dakota? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I put on my pants one leg at a time. Same way I put on my shirt. It takes a while. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The real voter fraud is that if I bring my driver's license, passport, and concealed handgun license, I can't vote 3 times! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
There's record heat all across the country. Get with the times, weather -- now we have 'mp3' heat. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Will Texas Gov. Rick Perry launch a presidential run? Or will it be more of a presidential mosey? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Welcome to the world, South Sudan! I should tell you, it's traditional for new countries to loan America 400 billion dollars. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Fair warning, anyone who hacks my voicemail should have a ravenous appetite for 15th-century spoken-word conquistador erotica. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
California survived the dreaded "carmageddon." So for now, we're free from the rise of the anti-Chrystler. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
My favorite kind of cloud is Cirrus. No, Stratus. Wait, Cumulonimbus! I'm going to have to get back to you. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Sorry for rushing tonight, but I only had 30 seconds to get from my studio to my midnight screening of Harry Potter! Accio front-row seats! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Listening to phone messages is a great way to learn the truth. And to find out if you qualify for a low-interest loan! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Hopefully, winning an Emmy will finally fill the deep emotional chasm in my soul. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
This whole debate over the debt ceiling would be a lot more interesting if Lionel Richie would dance on it. Kids, ask your parents. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Netflix is increasing their rental fees. Great, now it's going to cost even more to have "Precious" on my coffee table for four months. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I never go anywhere without my straight buddy Tad. Including the shower - where he helps me ward off the advances of Mr. Bubble. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
South Sudan got its independence over the weekend and is now the 193rd country in the world. Only 7 more until I get a free smoothie! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Don't forget to donate to my SuperPAC! Then forget and donate again! http://www.colbertsuperpac.com — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
With a faucet that leaks natural gas, you can wash dishes AND kiln-fire new ones! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Donate at http://www.colbertsuperpac.com. Let's make this country great again by draining it of its disposable cash. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Happy Birthday, America! From one shining C to another. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Sign up now at www.colbertsuperpac.com to ensure your freedoms! Note: to ensure your freedoms, I may need a platinum-plated fondue set. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I'm ready 4 July 4th! My 3-meat potato salad's been on the picnic table 4 a week. Dysentery is a great way to slim down 4 bathingsuit season — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Congratulations to the lucky buyers of MySpace! Now, enjoy forgetting you have it for two years. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Only 1 hr til my FEC SuperPAC ruling! Join me & bring friends,especially if they're tiny green men printed on bills. Http://bit.ly/PACattack — PolitiTweet.org
