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Showing page 179 of 211.
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Don't cry over spilt milk. Wait a couple of weeks, and whammo! Free cottage cheese! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Apple is reportedly working on an improved version of auto-correct. Wow, that is a really grape irving! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
How often do you feed a Michael Stipe? Is once a week okay? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Greece has a new prime minister! Can't wait to see who the next one is tomorrow. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Father Jim inspired me to confess with a lighter attitude. From now on, it's "Bless me, Father, these sins are going to crack you up!" — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming "we're all gonna die!" — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Bill Clinton says presidents should be allowed a third term. I agree -- bring back Bush! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I think the economy might affect Christmas. Especially if the elves reject Santa's North Pole austerity measures. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
There's a war on Christmas! Why do you think there are 11 pipers piping? Santa needs human shields! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Just came up with a great get-rich-quick scheme: Continue being wealthy. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
On Tonight's "Report": my guest is Seth Meyers, anchor of SNL's Weekend Update. It must be exciting for him to meet a real newsman. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
It's the 40th anniversary of the release of Led Zeppelin 4. It's #1 on my list of great rock albums that send listeners directly to hell. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
On Tonight's "Report": A Texas lawmaker makes a terrible gaffe. He pronounced the "G" at the end of "huntin'." — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Tonight: Author Niall Ferguson has a new book about how we're facing the decline of Western Civilization. Good--I can't stand California. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
On Tonight's "Report": New innovations in political ads. Has someone finally invented a work shirt with pre-rolled-up sleeves? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
NASA has received funding to develop a tractor beam. Step 1: Buy new pants for nerds who just wet themselves. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
A doctor in CA claims he can use a laser to turn brown eyes blue in 20 seconds. And after 20 more, he can turn blue eyes melty. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Hey, Sex Ghosts: get a coffin! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The Justice Department issues 151-page report on Muffingate, and still no answers on why mine always come out so dry?! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Tonight, a shocking report on government waste. Turns out the Pentagon didn't need a stealth stapler. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
A new weight gain study says the 'Freshman 15' is a myth. I'm hoping they find similar results about my 'Middle Age 45.' — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Jon Huntsman was bitten by a goat. Hey, the Colbert bump works in mysterious ways. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Quick update to my OWS piece. Thanks to a generous PAC contribution from an anonymous corporation, Ketchup is now Hunt's 99% Ketchup. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The Muppets took over WWE last night. In other news, Dora the Explorer is refereeing MMA Octagon Thunderdown. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I would love to trade labor for healthcare. I've always said: An eye for an eye, a hand-knit toothbrush cozy for an impacted tooth removal. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Halloween is an all-American tradition. I believe it dates back to the time early settlers gave the Indians fun-size smallpox. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Tonight: My guest Neil MacGregor has a new book that tells the History of the World thru 100 objects. Big deal. Let's see him juggle them. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
On tonight's "Report": A new approach to healthcare from Maine: Soaking whatever hurts in melted butter! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Great article by NBA expert William Menna! This guy gets it! http://t.co/eY56A3ED #IamMarkCuban — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Obama's approval went from 40% to 43% this week. Great job, Obama! Oh wait, that's still an F. — PolitiTweet.org
