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Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I say Paul Ryan is more than just a bold choice--he's also an italic one. Man, do I love talking about fonts! Which reminds me: Arial. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
My guest tonight is the band fun. who had a #1 hit with "We Are Young." You'll be humming the interview for days! #Colbchella — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Buy your #Colbchella t-shirts on http://t.co/RmcrHaFK. Or just open your window and hope my t-shirt cannon makes it to your house. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered "obsessively Googling symptoms" is a symptom of hypochondria. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Get the official #Colbchella t-shirt! The bootleg copies are printed over old shirts from Aerosmith's Get a Grip tour. http://t.co/ZXdWVTCw — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Buy a #Colbchella '012 tee shirt! Because sooner or later it will cool off enough to start wearing clothes again. http://t.co/ZXdWVTCw — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I love breakfast so much, I won't tell anyone the combination to my waffle safe. (I have it hidden behind a painting of a pancake.) — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The facelift bungee is great, but for better results, have a 400-lb. Icelandic strongman pull back on bungees attached to your temples. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Pete Seeger still sings "Where Have All The Flowers Gone?" Who cares when we've got Glade "Garden Retreat" scented Plug-Ins? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Why did the fried chicken cross the road? To get away from some gay guy. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
We landed a rover on Mars! Next stop, Planet Hollywood! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
It's M. Night Shyamalan's Birthday...or is it? (Twist Ending: It is.) — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The Yankees' Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I love making observations. That one is a classic example. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I hope they find water on Mars. That means we'll be able to frack there. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Another way to fool The Norquist: promise if he lets you across the bridge, someone even tastier will be coming along. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
#Colbchella '012 is gonna rock you like a mild storm. A hurricane on a boat would be unsafe. Get tix at http://t.co/RmcrHaFK — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Barack Obama donated $5,000 to his own campaign. He's going to get a TON of emails from them now. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Tony Robbins teaches you to see the glass as half full, which is good because you'll need that water to put out your feet. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
This is the story a newsman waits a lifetime to tweet: http://t.co/1MKIEr6j — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Scotland is going to legalize gay marriage. The gays can take our land, but they can never take our Scotch eggs! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I don't need anyone's help! I made the keyboard to type this out of an X-Acto knife and a box containing a keyboard. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Kim Jong-un didn't marry the singer of "Excellent Horse-Like Lady!" She can bounce back by releasing "Excellent Horse-Like Single Ladies." — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I'm against NASA's vegan menu unless it's a secret plan to lure our vegans to Mars. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Some say the Cold War is over. But if that's true, then why am I still getting reception on my shoe phone? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
This heat wave is devastating my crops! Sea Monkeys count as crops, right? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I got bit by the acting bug! Worse, it crawled in my ear and laid dozens of acting eggs! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Astronauts report that space smells like seared steak & hot metal. Though in the future, they should really keep their helmets on out there. — PolitiTweet.org
