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Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Best part of the debate? When Jim Lehrer kept stammering about how someone stole his red Swingline stapler. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
ON TONIGHT'S "REPORT": Did you see the debate? Mitt smoked Obama! Metaphorically, of course. Mormons can't smoke. TCR, 11:30 pm EST — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Is your testosterone level too low? HINT: If responding to this tweet doesn't shatter your keyboard, the answer is yes. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
BREAKING: I don't see race..People tell me I'm white and I believe them because I think "the Chronic" refers to lower back pain. TCR,11:30pm — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Why are you reading this when you could be buying and reading my book? Is it because this is free? Damn you, Twitter. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Global warming may cause fish to shrink in size by 24%. But at least their high school jeans will fit again. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
A dog is alive and well after an 11-mile ride wedged in a driver's front grill. No word yet if there was any damage to Mitt Romney's car. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I'll be on LIVE! With @KellyandMichael tomorrow! To make sure I wake up in time, I'm gonna go to sleep n........... — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Buy my book, AMERICA AGAIN. It makes the perfect gift for Christmas, birthdays, or to wield as a weapon until someone buys you a gift. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Buy my book AMERICA AGAIN, on sale everywhere. For a free sample of my writing, see this tweet. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
If you love America, you will tune in right now to @ABC to watch me co-host @GMA. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
My book AMERICA AGAIN drops now! It also bounces, flips, wiggles, rotates, counter-rotates, and sits. Buy a copy for each verb! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
It must be funny when Ben Folds is playing poker and says "Ben folds." Because what card player refers to himself in the third person? — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I know being forced into prison labor is no picnic, but it's still preferable to a prison Caesarian. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I'm co-hosting GOOD MORNING AMERICA! (@GMA) tomorrow morning at 8 am. Enjoy a healthy breakfast of bacon, eggs, and me. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
I tried ventriloquism, but the dummy kept stealing all my thunder! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Preview of my big sit-down with Oprah: two chairs! Watch me on "Oprah's Next Chapter" on @OWNTV, Sun. Sept. 30, 9pm. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Make your voice heard in my STEPHEN POLL-BERT at http://t.co/GA0r7oFh. 107% of respondents say the numbers don't lie! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
TONIGHT'S GUEST: Vince Gilligan, creator of BREAKING BAD, about a cancer patient who becomes a drug kingpin. Medicare solved! TCR 11:30pm — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are back together! Wow, and so close to the release date of their new movie. That's lucky! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
They can have my bacon when they pry it from my cold dead hands, which will probably be easy because they'll be coated with bacon grease. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
DEVELOPING: How could Romney b behind? He's so popular, his fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches. http://t.co/tg6jpSXj TCR 11:30 EST — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Mitt Romney still has the solid, unbending support of the Brylcreem Lobby. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Foxconn workers are rioting in China. Man, EVERYONE wants to get their hands on the new iPhone 5! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Why listen to polls when you can listen to poles? Specifically, "I Am a Pole and So Can You", also still on sale! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
On the Report: To fight 4 the GOP's existence, we've chosen Mitt as our standard bearer. Unfortunately no 1 can stand or bear him. 11:30 EST — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
ATTN like-minded patriots with govt-issued IDs: Register to vote here: http://t.co/yGH2oeBV @HeadCountOrg. #925NVRD http://t.co/zUOu2Hk8 — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Omg Tracy morgan just passed out on the Emmys! — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
The New Jersey DMV is banning too much smiling on drivers license photos. Though if you're in a New Jersey DMV, it shouldn't be a problem. — PolitiTweet.org
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Look up there! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Putin dressed as a bird in a small plane! — PolitiTweet.org
