Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

So if I don't get caught it's a "free sample" and if I do get caught it's "stolen property, please come with me, sir"? Real double standard. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I've noticed that men who tell women to "smile more" rarely comply when politely asked to "exist less." — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

The best assemble-yourself furniture comes with a few spare screws, spare bolts, and a pint of O-positive blood. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

We should probably operate as if God stepped out for a bit and left us in charge – but he’ll be back in August. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My neighbor is blasting his meditation music, but every time I go over to say something I’m filled with a deep sense of peace. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Right now someone at DC Comics is saying, “Crap, we’re really going to have to go through with this Aqua-Man movie, aren’t we?” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I play @GameOfThrones' Peter Dinklage & @IAmLenaHeadey in #Overwatch on #CluelessGamer. I fight for House Masshole! https://t.co/aG2sHpaNvi — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Confession: At Starbucks this morning, I stole a latte that belonged to some guy named “Conin.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Open Tweet to Justin Bieber: You’re starting to make us teen heartthrobs look bad. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I just learned my intervention is going to be “Town Hall format.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

To avoid all this bathroom controversy, I’ve just been going in the woods. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I'm a Mohave fringe-toed lizard in the streets but a Colorado Desert fringe-toed lizard in the sheets. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Desiigner is both my favorite rapper and my favorite typo. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Okay fine, I admit it: I’m the “Becky” in the new Radiohead album. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I'm doing a week of shows at the legendary @apollotheater October 31st. Finally some soul in… https://t.co/KSPXaJtLU0 — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Now that Castle is off the air the best flirty dialogue on TV is between @AndyRichter and me. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Is there a website where we can auction off George Zimmerman to a passing comet? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My Donald Trump tax jokes are none of your business. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I consider a hostile work environment any office that has a Karaoke Night. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My Friday ritual: getting a wisdom tooth extracted and drinking an #InNOut shake. https://t.co/BnxVEjldfH — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Does day-drinking count as civil disobedience? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

This X-ray of my wisdom tooth pushing into my infected jaw is the latest example of how my art… https://t.co/Qr617U4MCU — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

This morning I thought I was filled with a childlike sense of wonder, but it was just a norovirus. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Time to fulfill my dream of marketing my own line of artisanal antifreeze. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I'm half asleep, totally naked, and waiting for the light at this intersection to change. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Don’t keep your spice rack too close to the oven because it will dry out the herbs. Sorry, that was for my other account: @SpiceRaxHax — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Never a Conan. Never. https://t.co/9Vm3aSgQKQ — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

A sadist enjoys hurting other people, a masochist goes camping. — PolitiTweet.org