Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Am I too late for a Matthew McConaughey “alt-right, alt-right, alt-right” tweet? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Now that the Olympics are over, I can get back to comparing my body to the athletes on World Series of Poker. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

The days are getting shorter, but do they have to compensate by acting like assholes? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m down to 1%, but that should be just enough to finish this twe — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Kids today learn about sex and Alexander Hamilton much sooner than I did. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My wig, prosthetics, & makeup artist cost $2,000, but with them I can roam the Pasadena Flea Market undisturbed, looking for porcelain hands — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I don’t take my career for granted, which is why every April I renew my commercial crab fisherman’s license. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Upon death, instead of having my whole life flash before my eyes, I just want to watch Season 3 of The Sopranos again — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Only three people on the entire planet have ever said: “Hold my Olympic medal while I trash this Brazilian gas station.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Lochte, Lochte, Pants on Fochte! — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Turns out the proper response to “How’s it hanging?” is NOT “via a complex network of pulleys and trusses.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My stream of consciousness puts James Joyce to needlenose pliers. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Would it be obnoxious if I held a press conference just to say “I’m havin’ a bitchin’ summer”? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

If you wear a visor for longer than 3 minutes, you’re legally required to change your name to Trey. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Never tell a newly divorced masseuse to “take your anger out on my shoulders.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Summer vacation is my only chance to get away from it all and just tweet. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Fiji and I used to have the same number of Olympic gold medals. Touché, Fiji. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

This summer I’m going to work on my memoirs: “The Fire Crotch Chronicles.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

If the object of tennis is to hit the ball into the net and swear a lot, I’m very, very good. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Anyway, I think you fractured my clavicle and I am going to sue. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Ah, the dog days of summer. These are truly my salad days. Sunday, Monday, Happy Days. Happy Dog Salad. Ok I’m drunk. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I know it's wrong to generalize, but I just don't like murderers. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

This is right around the time of year I start calling my shorts “The Chafing Dish.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Given current weather trends, a Sharknado is a distinct possibility. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I always bring my baseball glove to the ballpark, just in case a falcon wants to land on my hand. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I am devastated by the passing of Suzanne Wright. She and her husband Bob tirelessly nurtured my career and family. This is a terrible loss. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My accountant informs me that I’ve never been retweeted by @Cher — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Had a dream where evil space creatures intent on destroying humankind land, watch us for a few days, shrug, then take off. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, dudes wore vests. — PolitiTweet.org