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Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Donald Trump’s inauguration is expected to be the most costly in US history. And that’s not even factoring in the money. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The only thing we have to fear is Gerald Fear, of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. He is a serial killer. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
“I don’t believe in limits” is a less inspiring creed when shouted shirtless to a highway patrolman who’s just pulled you over. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
If we all pitch in, we can fund the removal of that little Eddie Munster-ish v-shaped hair thing on Paul Ryan’s forehead. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
If an asteroid hit the earth right now, I think a lot of us would just shrug. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Reminder to my massage therapists: the less you giggle the more I tip. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Bachelorette party planners: make sure to buy chocolate penises with at least 65% cocoa if you want the antioxidant benefits. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Except for my tendency to screech at flying sparks, I would have made an excellent blacksmith. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The only time I regret having 3 cats is fairly often. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Doctor says my testosterone levels are normal. So why did I just spend 3 hours on Pinterest looking at kilims? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
If only there was another way to be a philanthropist. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
An old friend sent me this photo. If I remember correctly, we stole those plastic hats from tiny strippers. https://t.co/gyt9qNbGgb — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I know you’re not supposed to yell “Fire” in a theater, but since when am I not supposed to yell “Pooty Tang?” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I prefer farm-to-sink, because that’s where I’m standing when I eat most of my meals. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Inspired by La La Land, I just sang and danced my way into a divorce. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
If Twitter goes down, American foreign policy will have to rely on skywriting. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I’ve just been booked for Chinese New Year’s Rockin’ Eve! — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
This time of year reminds me of that sweet day in my childhood when my uncles took me skiing. https://t.co/06T8bIe2sT — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
How much lingerie should I buy my therapist to prove to her that I don’t have boundary issues? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions, I make New Year’s Vague Declarations Of Semi-Intent. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Feels right to ring in the New Year with a 12-foot high gingerbread AT-AT #happynewyear https://t.co/DEB1MSiUBE — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The bowl names are getting more corporate and obscure, I thought to myself, while watching the Aveeno Therapeutic Shave Gel Bowl. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Let’s build a time machine and Make 2016 Great Again. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
This Friday, my friend @RondaRousey is back in #UFC207. A mere appetizer before her fiercest challenge: https://t.co/rWKW53r1rA — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Carrie Fisher was funny and fearless and unabashedly human. It's an old saying, but she was a real trouper. https://t.co/fTlfBSfaQg — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Prediction: Before he takes the oath of office, Trump will ask us all to sign a prenup. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
What a holiday treat — they’re offering free egg nog samples in this Chevron station men’s room. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
How do I handle this? I got a coupon for a back rub from my gardener. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Santa knows if I’ve been bad or good, so he and my browser history have a lot in common. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
‘twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring. Thank you, Terminix! — PolitiTweet.org
