Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids' faces when the snakes start to hatch. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Pretty chill night. Hung out with these guys. https://t.co/1A65Da5cAS — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I wish President Trump would stop calling “Good Friday” “Tremendous Friday, the Greatest Friday you’ve ever seen.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

The most exciting part of Easter egg hunts at my house is when suddenly the hunted become the hunters. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

MOVIE IDEA: Equels. It's the movie you're watching. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Does it make me seem more badass if I drink this Sleepytime Herbal Tea out of a human skull? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

“Tinder is the Night” #UpdateAFitzgeraldNovel #HashtagsWithOnlyOneResponse — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Sometimes I think the bulk packages at Costco are too large. Who needs 12 condoms?! — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

In Indiana, a 94-year-old woman has worked at McDonald’s for the past 44 years. And she’s almost finished paying off her student loans. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Just think, pretty soon we'll have self-driving cars to masturbate in. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I was thrilled to interview/be insulted non-stop by the legendary Don Rickles. I will sorely miss this incredibly funny and lovable man. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I was thrilled to interview/be insulted non-stop by the legendary Don Rickles. I will sorely miss this incredibly funny and lovable man. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I may not be the strongest person at the gym, but I defy you to find someone in this Curves with a better attitude. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

What has more failed launches? Trump businesses, or North Korea? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m not worried about the stock market, because all my wealth is in individually wrapped bologna slices. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Okay let me put an internet rumor to bed. NO, this isn't me. https://t.co/4LIbzDV4XY — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Whenever I think milk might have gone bad, I ask Sean Spicer to smell it. If he says it smells fine, I know to throw it out. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

We live in a representative democracy where elected officials are accountable to the people. APRIL FOOLS! — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure one of this year’s Final Four-- N. Carolina, S. Carolina, Oregon, or Gonzaga --isn’t a state. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

It would not surprise me at all if someone had footage of Devin Nunes with his head stuck inside a beehive. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

This is the ideal time in the season to either plant tomatoes or enter into a land war with Russia, I forget which. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Congress voted to allow your internet provider to sell your browser history. Long story short, goodbye sweet internet. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I was also once thrown off a United Airlines flight for wearing these https://t.co/qgyCovqEHI — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

One of Uber’s self-driving cars crashed in Arizona. Evidently, the car couldn’t stand to hear one more passenger say, “But it’s a dry heat.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Most of the water cooler talk at my office is millennials standing around the water cooler, saying what is this thing? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

If you say the word “lozenge” 50 times out loud, it starts sounding really weird. Also, your family leaves the dining table. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

If I could only pick one desert island record, I’d choose whichever album is most canoe-shaped. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Giraffes are gentle creatures who do not kill, except when asked one too many times, "How's the weather up there?" — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

The key to looking young is getting the "right work" done. Just a subtle tweak now and then. Do you like my new hawk wings? — PolitiTweet.org