Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Whenever I want a little peace and quiet, I just fill a studio with 200 people and go out and do a monologue. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

For Mother's Day, I gave my Mom a ticket to visit her favorite son. He lives in Florida. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Best street food in Ancient Rome Handsomest guy in the Aztec Empire Longest continuous pee #StatsOnlyGodKnows — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Dredge: Whether you’re coating something delicious in flour, or looking for a body in a lake, dredge is your word. #Dredge — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

A life-size statue of Ronald McDonald was stolen from a McDonald's in New Jersey. Police are on the lookout for someone very sad. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Maybe it’s me, but Mike Pence has that look you get when you realize the gnat is too far down your throat to spit out. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Overheard in 2026: “I know of this one man, he’s so rich, he went to a DOCTOR.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Barack Obama's biography is out tmrw. Just getting the word out so I'm not the only one outside Barnes & Noble at midnight dressed as Obama. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I blame the Wright brothers for inventing a machine that practically begs you to kick a family off it then later settle out of court. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

At Starbucks this morning, everyone is on their laptops drafting a healthcare bill. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Turns out you can just *buy* a Rodeo Champion belt buckle. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Do you think Henry the VIII and Anne Boleyn liked their celebrity couple name, “Anery the VIIIeyn”? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

If I were in prison, I wouldn’t ruin my spoon trying to tunnel out, because going without morning yogurt is its own prison. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Do these jeans make my ass look existent? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

We could end all crime if we just sentenced convicts to lick the bottom of a Chuck-E-Cheese ball pit. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Took my family to the Renaissance Fair on Saturday; today we are all laid up with melancholy humours. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

The year is 2052, President Cooterpie has declared war on That Island of Plastic Garbage in the Pacific, and the Stones are still touring. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Tomorrow on TBS, @realDonaldTrump faces his greatest nightmare: a funny female immigrant with a brain. @iamsambee hosts #NotTheWHCD @ 10/9c. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Actively ignoring the guy in the stall next to mine who keeps asking if I want to “see Baby Groot.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

For my latest #CluelessGamer, I strapped on a Oculus Rift headset and saw my dim future in VR. https://t.co/CaDujx48A9 — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Crazy idea, but what if Donald, Vlad, Kim Jong and Xi just like, I don’t know, got a weekend beach house & talked it out. Dennis Rodman too. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Serious question: Is there a Melania Jong Un? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Let's settle this the old-fashioned way: Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump at dawn in New Jersey. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Trump’s biggest accomplishment in his first 100 days has been making it seem like much longer. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

It’s springtime in LA, which means I’m still wearing my Ugg boots, but with short shorts. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

For the record, yes, I found this photo to be deeply insulting: https://t.co/xzbRAp3WbH — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

What if the man in Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” is actually just singing “Day-O” from “The Banana Boat Song?” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I still don't know what nougat is. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Pro tip: if you’re caught peeing in public, write the word “Hi” – now you’re expressing a First Amendment right. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I demand a 5-hour energy drink where I choose when and how much energy to dole out, over the course of a century. — PolitiTweet.org