Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

The bad news: 22 million people will lose health coverage under the Senate’s plan. The good news: Karen Pence’s 20,000 bees are covered. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I bet 12-year-old Bruce Wayne gave that movie theater a terrible Yelp review. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Even though we’re in the same time zone, my wife is always one hour ahead of me. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Trump just fulfilled a campaign promise by quietly draining a small swamp outside Tallahassee. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I just completed 100 push-ups. (I started last November.) — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Astronomers have discovered 10 new Earth-like planets, 8 of them recently taken over by talking apes. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Say what you will about the new Ken dolls, I think they’re summer’s most insertable toy! — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I keep trying to think of a funny tweet about North Korea having nuclear missiles. It’s not coming. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Today, we Americans celebrate our independence from Britain while planning our escape to Canada. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Our country was founded by people who were mad at King George because he refused to show us his taxation statements. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Fireworks safety tip: blow your fingers off this year, before the AHCA passes. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I think the Russians' ability to hack the internet is vastly overrat-Конан О'Брайен - такой мудак — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

You helped us pass 5 million subscribers on YouTube! And to think it all started in this empty office: https://t.co/KSKphUOcMX — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Been checking Twitter every five minutes, but thank God, so far @realdonaldtrump hasn't mentioned my facelift. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My Uber driver has a man-bun Ken doll hanging from his rear view mirror. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Mitch McConnell constantly looks like a kid who just stole all the gum. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

How long until we can pay for groceries by simply waving a hand over the register? It's already been an hour but they're asking me to leave. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Good luck tonight @Lesdoggg. #BETAwards https://t.co/TAyIAt3ypa — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Grilling tip: order in. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

ARE YOU SHITTING ME WITH THIS????!!!??? #EvergreenTweet — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

.@ArnettWill and I traded sick burns and bad puns in the latest #CluelessGamer. #ARMS https://t.co/Cqj3eIsek9 — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My kids think Edvard Munch is the guy who did a painting of the scream emoji. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Some say Steve Bannon is the real president, others say he's a Galapagos marine iguana. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Secret Service Fun Fact: 3 out of 4 people caught scaling the White House fence are process servers. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Amazon bought Whole Foods, so soon I’ll be up late at night drunk-ordering spelt. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My body is a temple in that people lower their heads and cross themselves when they see it. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

From now on, rather than a gendered pronoun, I would like to be referred to as the elusive fifth flavor “umami.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Dear Mr. Bezos: There are less expensive ways to check out women in yoga pants. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

From photos of Trump’s personal attorney and personal doctor, I’m starting to think he hires people solely based on… https://t.co/AiTyS9FZiL — PolitiTweet.org