Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Attention Investors: Tiny, waist-high fireworks that pop softly and don't scare dogs. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

You can’t have fun anymore. https://t.co/wgBXwZn9b3 — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Without the moon, there would be no tides, and no name for what my brothers did to me. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My wife caught me looking at Pinterest. I tried to cover it with a porn site, but she’s fast. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My kids don’t believe it when I tell them how in my day, you could get an avocado toast for just $7. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

One thing you don't often hear: "Hey, Dolph! No, not you, the other Dolph!" — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I'm going on tour and bringing some friends with me. Pre-sale tickets for my @nycomedyfest show on 11/8 at the… https://t.co/jnxMQ0Wzfj — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m taking Intro to Fortnite at the local community college. (That’s how Ninja did it, right?) — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m starting a podcast about comity, it’s called What The Heck. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Okay, yep, that's on me, he got me good! (I just found out the recycling bin I've been using for 3 years was really… https://t.co/VKod0mnPWR — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

There's going to be a movie about this whole MoviePass - nevermind it just lost funding. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

For the record, I don’t want Rudy Giuliani doing my eulogy. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m taking comfort from the fact that those plans for making 3-D plastic guns were written by IKEA. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I just got instructions for how to print a 3-D "Pandora's Box." — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I don't know. Are we sure that was the LAST Airbender? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Just got a pool floatie shaped like friends that want to come over and hang out with me. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My son just came home from robotics camp. At least, I think that's him. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Around the third sangria, the women catch on that nobody invited me, but by then I’m off to the next book club. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

When I was a kid at sleep away camp, I still remember how exciting it was to get a letter from my Mom and Dad's attorney. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

When I grill burgers, I take a tip from the restaurant guys and, at the last minute, sprinkle in just a hint of e.coli. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I thought the Shazam movie was about a superhero with the power to guess the name of any pop song. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I truly hope there are people in France who believe that, in America, LeBron is known as TheBron. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Just noticed the poster for Mamma Mia 2 features as many people of color as a poster of me. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

These are the best Spanx I've ever worn. #ConanCon https://t.co/Ar7QgoFkYR — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I love it here at Comic-Con. I’ve got the entire Gotti panel to myself. #ConanCon — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I have X-ray vision, but it only works on objects wrapped in very thin tissue paper. #ConanCon — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

At any given point during Comic-Con, San Diego is the #1 place on the planet for tights drying in hotel bathrooms. #ConanCon — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I got my hands on the Batgirl audition tapes. @Nick_Offerman has this one in the bag. #ConanCon https://t.co/b8ZSqBDS8q — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Comic-Con's the best - I've already seen a Batman, a Superman, AND a Spider-Man, all trip over a Bird scooter on the sidewalk. #ConanCon — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I'm a better Batman than Christian Bale and Michael Keaton combined. https://t.co/Ft8tX7YC62 — PolitiTweet.org