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Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Apologies to my college girlfriend. At the time, I really thought a reverse mortgage was a sex position. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Webster's defines "cliche" as "starting a speech with 'Webster's defines'" — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
==DON'T BE THE FIRST TO ARRIVE AT THE ORGY OR THE LAST TO LEAVE. EITHER WAY, YOU LOOK DESPERATE.== Thirty years later, still the weirdest fortune cookie I ever got. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Not to brag, but I think I'd be a model prisoner. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
As anyone who looks at Zillow knows, the time to buy was in 1890. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I know they live in different comic book universes, but I'd love to see a fight between Batman and my neighbor with the loud stereo. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Our historic experiment in Democracy is in great peril. April Fools!!! (Pause) Hello? Anyone? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Talked with the delightful Ben Stiller (@RedHourBen) about growing up in show business, playing Michael Cohen on SNL, and Jeff Goldblum’s sexual energy. https://t.co/MhtsEaJS9S https://t.co/6R19lFwKN0 — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
A growing fear about Beto O'Rourke is that he is actually just a very tall, wheat IPA. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Just realized I’ve been binge-watching my children’s lives since they were born. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Weird. I’ve been hitting this wasp’s nest with a wiffle ball bat for about five minutes and noth- ok I gotta go — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Great Britain is like a dad who asks for a divorce, then refuses to move out of the house and kind of hopes you’ll… https://t.co/tVaussH4It — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Look, I’m not perfect but at least my obituary won’t say, “and in 2019, he defunded the Special Olympics.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Cardi B wants to trademark her catchphrase “Okurr” and I think she should. Last year I made a fortune with my phrase “What’s the haps, Paps?” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I’ll bet Kellyanne and George Conway have pretty disturbing makeup sex. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Fans are always asking me how they can watch the "old stuff," now I finally have an answer that is legal. https://t.co/9QGlddfoZ7 #Conan25 — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Ray Romano is a hilarious comedian, a kind soul, and a rare neurotic Italian. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/NIC69aLZDj — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Mueller's report may be finished, but mine is out next week. It's on 'Johnny Tremain' and it was due in 1974. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
On an island vacation with my family. If I get attacked by a shark, don't blame him - the chum Speedo was my idea. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
In the new millennial-inspired Bible, the Last Supper is now a vegan brunch. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
If you’re an Instagram Influencer who doesn’t have a picture of yourself in a sea of wildflowers, can I even trust… https://t.co/iKHzLdZolb — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Hey! Over 350 of my remote pieces from Late Night and CONAN will be available March 25th @ https://t.co/9QGlddfoZ7 #Conan25 https://t.co/Iq3jXvJ12r — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Keep the change you wish to see in the world. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
This morning my kitten was riding around the house on my dog’s back like he was on a horse. I’d post a video of it but I made it up. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Got some wires crossed and now I have Temple vs. Pete Buttigieg in my NCAA bracket. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I had the great privilege of speaking to @MichelleObama about her amazing journey and new book, “Becoming.” https://t.co/MhtsEaJS9S #IAmBecoming https://t.co/kPrZuJX9ep — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Every St. Patrick’s Day, I demand a recount from 23 and Me. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Thrilled and honored to be a part of @MichelleObama’s #IAmBecoming event tonight in Milwaukee. https://t.co/RWBY29LEpJ — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Most pictures of Trump look like they were taken during a 3AM trip to the bathroom. https://t.co/UhYG6YprFS — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I told my therapist about my constant need to be liked and he said we can discuss it on the jet ski I bought him. — PolitiTweet.org
