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Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Did “Angry Birds 2” come out already, and did I see it, and did I like it? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Wal-Mart has stopped selling guns and e-cigarettes in its quest to make sure everyone dies of diabetes. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
A lot of celebrities are talking about threesomes and when I mentioned this to my wife, she suggested I introduce her to a celebrity. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I wanted to spend even less time with my family so I agreed to play @mariabamfoo's elderly, phlegm-ridden father on @TeamCoco's new scripted podcast series "Frontier Tween." Listen exclusively on @hearluminary. https://t.co/IzOeTkacpb — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Any single frame of Giuliani speaking on camera looks like it was taken from a doctor’s office poster titled, “Signs You Are Having a Stroke.” https://t.co/Yt1dbkpl4h — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I’m the Michael Jordan of lazy sports analogies. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
When I put the left AirPod in my left ear on the first try, I know it's gonna be a great day. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
People say I’m an “out of touch” celebrity but my butler puts on my pants one leg at a time just like everyone else. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
You loved Hot Girl Summer, now get ready for HPV Girl Fall. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Only two thousand six hundred and fifteen days until AVATAR 5! — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Just to show you how hard it is to break into the movie business, Obama had to first become president. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
If this tweet gets 10 likes I’ll release my audition tape for Hustlers. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Butter in the fridge! Sherbet in the freezer! Scrooge's first name Was Eb-en-eezer! What's that? Leave the jumprope contest? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
If you run out of bedtime stories to tell your kids, don't improvise and read them the "It: Chapter 2" synopsis off IMDb — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Luckily I never started vaping because there were many conclusive studies stating I would never look cool doing it. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Someone texted me by accident, and now I'm headed to Costco to pick up Kristin. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Ben Folds is my favorite singer/songwriter/complete sentence. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Actor Matthew McConaughey is now a professor at the University of Texas. That means, sometime this semester, someone's gonna get flunked by Matthew McConaughey. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
#TeamCocoHouse is exactly like "Ocean's 11," only instead of robbing multiple casinos we are making people laugh in multiple comedy clubs. So it's really nothing like "Ocean's 11." https://t.co/FVscb9zgCn — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Looking for a way to help those affected by Hurricane Dorian? Text REDCROSS to 90999 to make an automatic $10 donation to the @RedCross. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
California Fun Fact: 50% of our land is under yoga mats. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
“Bitterly clung to power for over 3 decades." I can't believe Mugabe stole my obituary. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
‘Why isn’t Visine called ‘Eyeball-Chapstick,’ and why am I allowed to tweet? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Is there nothing more stupendous in the language of English than a sentence of healthy construct? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you're a dolphin. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
"My Greenland show airs tonight at 10 PM," is a phrase 12-year-old me never dreamed I'd be saying. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I just ordered a Popeye’s chicken sandwich on eBay. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Turns out that I love "reheated coffee" more than I love "brewing a fresh pot of coffee." — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Now Sony and Marvel are fighting over which one has to take Howard the Duck. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Now when the White House hires a press secretary they have to ask, “Can you dance?” — PolitiTweet.org
