Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Congratulations to Spain on their World Cup victory! May the streets run red with blood-orange sangria and ham! — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

A new study says that men who take drugs for ED have significantly more STDs. Also, men who take drugs for STDs have a lot of STDs. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Another perfect day in CA, the land of jobs & money. (Gov. Schwarzenegger has me at gunpoint. We're under the Santa Monica Pier. Send help.) — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Congrats to my staff on 4 Emmy nominations. This bodes well for the future of The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

The Queen recycled a dress for a ball in Toronto that she had previously worn before. Now to Google "monarch+nip slips". — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My horoscope says I "never let a struggle stop me." At least that's what I think it says, I can't get the cookie all the way open. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

This laptop is hot on my legs. I shall invent a space age Kevlar pad that protects my legs from heat. Or maybe I'll just put on pants. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Scholars have revealed Jefferson changed "Subjects" to "Citizens" in the Dec of Ind. Also, "Pursuit of Happiness" was "Score me some stank". — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Today's the 25th anniversary of "Back to the Future" - The movie that popularized DeLoreans, Flux Capacitors, & almost nailing your own mom. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Twilight Eclipse has been smashing box office records since it opened. For the record, I was sickly pale before it was cool. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I don't care where LeBron James ends up... As long as it's not at 11pm on TBS. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Larry King’s retiring after hosting “Larry King Live” for 25 years. Personally, I think hosting anything longer than 7 months is overkill. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m #51 on Forbes “Celebrity 100.” To help you fully comprehend the enormity of my achievement, consider this: Judge Judy is only #72. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Yesterday a Marilyn Monroe chest x-ray sold for $45,000. Meanwhile, my dr's note saying I have a mild case of shingles just sits on e-Bay. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My writers' stand up special airs tonight at 10 on TBS. It's like watching my kids perform... if my kids were all neurotic men in their 30s. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Cable’s ability to attract top-tier talk show hosts continues. Welcome aboard, disgraced New York Governor Eliot Spitzer! — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

11 years between “Toy Story’s” and 7 months between “Twilight’s.” By that measure, the “Jonah Hex” sequel should be out in 3 days. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Don’t underestimate the influence of the World Cup. I’m already adding a vuvuzela section to our TBS band. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

“Rolling Stone” may have brought down the US military commander in Afghanistan. Worse, they only gave Miley’s new album 3 out of 5 stars. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

@lancearmstrong - I was drunk. And I wanted some tips for smoother legs. Is that so wrong? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Yesterday was the longest day of the year, unless you count the time I interviewed Lance Armstrong. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Only one thing on Earth makes me afraid: When my rostral anterior cingulate cortex fails to dampen hyperactivity in my amygdala. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Happy Father’s Day. After I was born, my father renamed it “Happy ‘Don’t Try to Pin This One on Me’ Day.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

The past 2 months I’ve been on tour and haven’t followed the news. What’s with all the photos of chocolate pelicans? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I predicted the Celtics would win Game 7 and they did, by over 30 points. I watched it all on my special cable channel, Delude-O-Vision. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

There may not be a Smog Alert issued in Los Angeles today, but I am issuing something far worse: a Smug Alert. Celtics will take game 7. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

The tour is over. As I stare at the horizon, the wind ruffles my beard gently. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My tour has ended and I'm having trouble adjusting. I just screamed at my wife because she wouldn't let me sign her boob. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Tonight was my last show of the tour. I want to thank my fans for making this such an incredible experience. Next time: more prison gigs. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Our tour ends tomorrow, but Team Coco continues: Come laugh at my writers on 6/17: http://bit.ly/aSNjcK You can also laugh at their jokes. — PolitiTweet.org