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Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
It’s tough sharing a birthday with Kourtney Kardashian. Our friends never know which party to go to. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Andy got me this for my birthday. How do I tell him my mom got me the same thing? http://bit.ly/fY34uW — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Eight more days of Lent, then it’s back to chocolate, bourbon, and Lady Boxing on Pay-Per-View. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Doing a benefit tonight to help wipe out malaria, and you can help too @MalariaNoMore. Gout, you're next. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Tom Waits is going to be the voice of an animated character in an upcoming film. The film is called “The Bunny Who Only Ate Fiberglass.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Dennis Quaid said his biggest mistake was cocaine. Or, as Randy Quaid calls it, "mistake #479." — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Hey, @mittromney busted me for having hair envy. Imagine how jealous I'll be if Trump runs. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Great, Applebee’s starts serving toddlers alcohol and my kids gave up booze for Lent. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Yesterday we had a bald eagle on the show. Oddly enough, he was in the country illegally. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I tell people I split my lip in a fight. It's really because I went skiing without my Vanilla Bonne Bell gloss. http://bit.ly/ebk4q4 — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
If Trump runs for the White House, how will he decide between Gary Busey and Meatloaf for Vice President? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Do you have any idea how many Americans think that the Ivory Coast conflict is soap-based? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
If the government shuts down, the IRS will be closed, according to my accountant, Wesley Snipes. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
A guy cut me off in traffic, and I called him a stupid f***. My kids asked what that meant, and I told them it means he can’t f***ing drive. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Due to a tech snafu in Atlanta, my show did not air on the West Coast last night. We will re-air the Led Zeppelin reunion soon. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Sorry, Twitter. I'm going to be unfaithful to you tonight. I'm liveblogging tonight's show on Facebook right now: http://on.fb.me/a0bUDj — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The federal government might shut down on Friday, which means on Saturday morning, this bad boy is gonna park his car in a loading zone. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
If I’m ever a ghost, I hope the person I haunt has Netflix. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The other day, California high school students sang for the Pope, or as they referred to him, “The Dude in the Hat.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Found this in my yard this morning. Anyone know what it is? Should I not have put it in my pants? Help. http://bit.ly/f0sE3c — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
My April Fools' Day prank at airport security did not go well. You may not see me Monday. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I like to teach my kids that they can do anything. For example this year, our taxes. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Sweet. I just discovered the number of wrongs that make a right. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Yesterday, President Obama admitted that he owns an iPad. Obama says he uses it to play his favorite game, “Angry Birthers.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Sorry @AlbertBrooks, you are beyond help. You’re on Twitter, and nobody under 25 knows what a “book” is. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I am really experiencing “pain at the pump.” I am also really hurting from the price of gas. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
My plan is to buy a ticket for “The Lincoln Lawyer” and then sneak into “Sucker Punch.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Thanks @charliesheen for the compliment. To clarify, I'm 7'1", a super genius, and those aren't freckles -- it's male menopausal acne. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Worst pick up line for this time of year: "Want to see my final four?" — PolitiTweet.org
