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Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I hate holding my wife’s purse when she’s buying shoes, especially when she’s buying them on Zappos. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
From the outside, some Korean funeral homes look just like Korean massage parlors. My sincerest apologies to the entire Myong family. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
If you see only one hilarious movie about wacky bridesmaids this week, make it “Thor.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
My son asked me where babies come from, and to distract him I said "some day we're all going to die." — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Oprah has revealed who the guest will be on her final show and it’s not me. P.S. Congrats to whoever “Will Smith” is. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Can’t wait to try out my new Saran Wrap Speedo at the TBS Sexual Harassment seminar. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I just discovered that I can power all my appliances with the perkiness of that girl in the Progressive Insurance commercials. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
My high school reunion is coming up. I think I can still fit into my old sense of inferiority. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
My band & writers are putting on a night of music and comedy. And no, they didn't ask for my permission. Details here: http://bit.ly/fCTBML — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Describing an erotic fantasy involving a Jeff Dunham puppet will make your therapist raise her price. Trust me. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
In honor of Mothers Day, I'm tweeting something my Mom will understand: My, that Cliff Robertson is a handsome fellow. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Does anyone else have a feeling that Pakistan knows where the Hamburglar is? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Check out my friend Ted McCagg's funny drawings here: http://bit.ly/dmMFI. Or, read some Dostoyevsky. Myself, I like drawings. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
An Amish community is in trouble because their outhouse is leaking into the public water supply. Quilt your way out of this one, beardy! — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I had the most normal dream last night. It was just me waiting in line at the bank for a reasonable amount of time. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Thanks for helping @TeamCoco win 2 Webby Awards. I've no idea what Civil War Gen. Alexander Webb has to do with the internet, but whatever. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Yesterday, we took care of one maniac with a beard. Today, Will Ferrell will take care of another. #Beardpocalypse — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Will Ferrell keeps driving past my house in a tiny French car, laughing and waving a razor. He is a cruel man with lots of free time. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Was up all night building a small shark cage to protect my beard. Your move, Ferrell. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I just explained to my beard what may happen Monday. I didn't know hair could scream. http://bit.ly/lGXFMy — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Will Ferrell is coming to try to shave off my beard on May 2nd. And NATO does nothing. #Beardpocalypse — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
My iPhone is tracking my every move? Well, I was parked outside Shelley Long’s house all that time because I ran out of gas. Really. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Gary Johnson has entered the Republican presidential race. Yes - THAT Gary Johnson! — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Lady Gaga’s song “Judas” has sparked outrage from Catholics. Also not helping: she still wears meat on Fridays. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
On this day, Jesus broke free from the giant chocolate egg and led his bunny army to victory against the Nazis! — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I’ve decided to pardon the Easter Ham. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I have a strict "no promotion" policy in my tweets. I can't wait to discuss it on Ricky Gervais' hilarious new HBO show Talking Funny. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Weekend plans. 1. Take lawn chair to Hollywood Boulevard. 2. Yell at tourists who step on Janet Jackson’s star. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Today is 4/20 and all of the potheads in my office are giggling. I don’t understand. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
“Glee” is making a special episode dedicated entirely to @LadyGaga. But in a way, isn’t every episode of “Glee” dedicated to Lady Gaga? — PolitiTweet.org
