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Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
My version of a celebrity roast is getting cut off in traffic by Wilmer Valderrama. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I can’t believe we’re almost four years away from someone using “Gangnam Style” as a deliberately outdated comedy reference. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I’ve seen a lot of unbelievable things in my lifetime, but nothing humbles me as much as learning there’s a guy named “Waka Flocka Flame.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The big news story of the day is incredible, and I have a humorous take on it. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
A 9-year-old African-American girl was nominated for an Oscar. How good is she? She played the title role in "Lincoln." — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Watch Jack White & I talk big ideas and drink booze. It's like we're at a bar, but without my incessant crying: http://t.co/mtfGwq2I — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Tonight on #Conan, @RickyGervais & I strip down and take a bath in front of the studio audience. I blame the meth. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
To prepare for these recently announced Ultra HD TVs, I’m having my entire face glazed with smooth porcelain. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Tonight, Notre Dame plays Alabama in the BCS Championship game. I was home for the holidays so I’ve had quite enough of the Fighting Irish. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I just bought a painting from an emerging abstract artist, or someone just sold me their napkin. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Need to befriend someone else named Conan so I can re-gift a personalized coffee mug. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I just ate a package of Oreo cookies so I wouldn't binge on them later. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The guy signing you up for that gym membership knows he’s never going see you again. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
My mother just showed me my baby blanket. This explains my irrational fear of Roger Ailes: http://t.co/P6VuUcNS — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Only two more days to enter #OccupyConan and learn what it feels like to be a totally understood non-genius: http://t.co/C9kDZCjf — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The New York Jets just fired their general manager. There, all fixed. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I will not see “Les Mis” because it’s too long, and because they went with Amanda Seyfried over me for the part of Cosette. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
To ring in the New Year, I’m heading to D.C. to watch Congress drop the ball. #whatdoyoumeanimthe5000000thpersontomakethisjoke? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I have a solution for the Fiscal Cliff that'll satisfy all and fix the economy. Go to the pay phone near the laundromat. Wait for my call. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Help recreate part of my show by 1/4. The most creative entry wins you a VW convertible, and maybe the hosting job: http://t.co/RwfzROc3 — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Hoping 2013 is the year we finally get a prequel to “Norbit.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I think Eva Longoria is stalking me. Just caught her staring at me as I crouch inside her hedges. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Should I be concerned that my wife gave me a $3,000 gift card for “Big Al’s Powerful Deodorant Hut”? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Just noticed this ornament on my parents' Christmas tree in Boston. It is commanding me to start shoplifting again. http://t.co/AFtffulH — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I want to get back to the true spirit of the holidays: Unbridled narcissism. http://t.co/EzD1Icwd — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
This green 1992 Ford Taurus is just a loaner, ladies. You should see my real green 1992 Ford Taurus. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
People always ask me what's the "Secret Ingredient" to my egg nog. I tell them any household accelerants will do. http://t.co/TGq5LDT9 — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Gotta say, all of my Mayan friends have been pretty quiet today. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Join me in helping kids by donating to @childrenshealth http://t.co/VlCmHiEq Any amount helps! — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap. — PolitiTweet.org