Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Scientists have built an Internet for robots. My advice: knock before entering your robot’s bedroom. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Pretty soon The View is just going to be Whoopi Goldberg, alone, quietly checking her email. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Felt a big tremor yesterday in LA. That was either an earthquake, or Ryan Gosling smiled softly in Southeast Asia. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Turns out Folgers in my cup is only the 27th best part of waking up. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I went to jail as a teenager and I cried the whole time. Haven’t played Monopoly since. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Samoan names are just plain cooler than Irish ones. So from now on, I’m Conoa Obrienasopo. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

If you have a table that you use just for scrapbooking, chances are we don’t agree on what’s funny. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Did I dream this or was this on my show last night? http://t.co/GuixXF72wL — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Is it a Freudian slip when you mean to say “saxophone” and you actually say “Man, I sure would love to have hot steamy phone sex?” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Cool Ranch-flavored lube. #JustPuttingItOutThere. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Don’t you hate it when the false bottom on your sock drawer holds less than 10 Victoria’s Secret catalogs? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Someone once told me, "Conan, I'm going to murder you, or my name isn't Harvey Weinstein." — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Give a man a fish, and he’ll ask why you’re trying to pay for your haircut with fish. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I love how Vine lets me record 6-second videos - it’s perfect for making sex tapes. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I got to play Sloth in a #Goonies re-enactment with @BigBang_CBS' Johnny Galecki. I think I'm more of a Ma Fratelli: http://t.co/CvYvWiAnxR — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

The line between hipster and homeless gets thinner by the day-scarf. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Last night on #Conan I met the love of my life, then tragically lost her. Her name was Lara Croft. http://t.co/pUuSLB4wGY #CluelessGamer — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Confirming my appearance on your podcast tomorrow. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Jennifer Lawrence: Sorry I couldn't be your Oscar date tonight, but Emmanuelle Riva is going to be there - and you know how my exes are. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I relate a little too much to that new Marvel superhero, Captain Needy. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Just hired Dr. Dre to produce my first rap album, “Ladies Be Frightening”. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Pope just asked if he could crash on my couch for 2 weeks in March. Guy is spiraling. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I'm honored to host the WH Correspondents dinner. Get ready for 2 minutes of jokes, then 40 minutes on public employee pension reform. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

In honor of President’s Day, I won’t be getting along with Congress. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Billy Dee Williams was offered a role in Django Unchained but he didn’t want the Dee to be silent. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Why is no one talking about the killer tans everyone on that cruise ship came back with? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Delta policy is to seat all redheaded comics together. http://t.co/vaTWohxu — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Working from home today. Let's say hello to my first guest, this lamp. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Show her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m thinking of getting one of those cross-bred dogs but I can’t decide between a Chihuahuaweilleranian and a Saint Bernauzeroodle. — PolitiTweet.org