Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Vince Vaughn & Owen Wilson from #TheInternship have a cornhole battle with me on #Conan tonight. It's not what you're thinking, mom. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

And just what am I supposed to do with this warehouse full of “Don’t Taze Me Bro” mouse pads? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Played softball with my son last night. He says I “throw like a Conan.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m looking for a Franklin in the streets and a Bash in the sheets. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Just woke up from a nap and discovered 18 more “Game of Thrones” characters have been killed. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

If you think that’s bad, you should see how Michael Douglas got eczema. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

In 10 years, my wife and I have never gone to bed angry. Thanks, couch and spare pillow. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Want to get slammed from every conceivable angle? Pick the bumper car that’s painted like a police cruiser. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m going to be like my dad and show up to every one of my son’s Little League games, but without all the betting. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Pretty sure karate was invented by a guy and a bee. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m really scared of horror movies with clowns, and this theater is full of them. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

We’re all looking for a Canada by day, and a Mexico at night. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I'm tired of being discriminated against. http://t.co/W0sd0tDt0P — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Adultery hookup site “http://t.co/DYZJpa3LMK” worries me, but not as much as “http://t.co/NGN8jmwZPC.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Whenever I feel like L.A. is sketchy, I remind myself that most of its van-based tattoo removal clinics are “Fully Bonded.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Please, for the love of God, nobody retweet this. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Just had the best breakfast of my life. Sorry, Mom. http://t.co/M7vGEP8KvX — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I truly believe we’re all in this together. Now I just have to figure out what “this” is. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Last night JJ Abrams showed a cut Star Trek scene of Cumberbatch showering. It was like looking at my reflection. http://t.co/IDze7b1Irv — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Anxiously awaiting the return of Nanny McPhee. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Mark my words: on the last episode of “Game of Thrones,” we will finally get to see all the dragons naked. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

According to a new survey, almost 10% of women lie about the size of their breasts. Which is why I always carry around measuring tape. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

It took me a while, but I finally ran Barbara Walters out of show business. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Out of the loop… what’s all this about President Obama being worse than Cynthia Nixon? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

President Obama is embroiled in 3 scandals. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Amateur.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Tonight I try out a new desk made of 100% @ImHeatherGraham. http://t.co/mHm0mUnM3g #HeatherDesk — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I just found out I’m being audited. I don’t remember joining the Tea Party. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Just tried to make a Benedict Cumberbatch anagram and I now have a hernia. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

For fun, I sent a dick pic to Siri and she just replied, “I think you meant to send a picture of a penis.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

You know what they say. So I guess I don’t have to tell you. — PolitiTweet.org