Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

60% of Americans say they believe the nation is in a state of decline. The other 40% didn’t know what “decline” meant. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

To anyone in that Russian crime ring that stole all those passwords: can you help me get into my Pinterest account? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

.@AndyRichter & I teamed up with a talking toilet for some water-saving tips from @NRDCWater & @NRDC: http://t.co/uj5wq5MGlo #TeamCocoH20 — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I don’t think it helps that Sudafed has started putting “Our Favorite Meth Recipe” on the back of the box. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

The full @OITNB cast is on #CONAN tonight on TBS. Coincidentally, “Orange is the New Black” is the same pick-up line I used in college. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Look out, Brits! #CONAN will appear in the UK on @truTVUK. Consider this revenge for dumping @SimonCowell on us. #truTVIsComing — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

You've done the hard part: deciding which of the thousands of #Sharktopus viewing parties to go to. Now, watch in awe tonight on Syfy at 9. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I believe it was the great Russian filmmaker Eisenstein who said, “Shit, it’s cold here.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Google has a new plan to eliminate porn-links from non-porn-Internet searches. Good news for all 4 of you. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I'm in London, doing my best to keep a low profile: http://t.co/dYh0CT3Yil @TruTVUK #TruTVisComing — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Still can’t believe that “Elon Musk” isn’t an Eastern European cologne tycoon. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time: http://t.co/rorvWpUCb6 — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m known throughout LA’s Karaoke bar scene as “the Closer.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Recently decided that eating cherries is no longer worth the effort. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Perfection is something I regularly atain. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

You asked for it, here it is: my cameo in #SharktopusVsPteracuda. And when I say "you," I mean "no one." -> http://t.co/Bv5qREgdte — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’ve been in my office with the door closed for an hour and a half, thinking about how weird a name “Jolly Rancher” is. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, especially if you shoot the apple out of a T-shirt cannon at the doctor’s face. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

People keep asking me for more footage from my Tinder sexcapade with Dave Franco. Here it is, perverts: http://t.co/OLsARAjLK5 — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Hostess is bringing back the chocolate covered Twinkie. Anyone looking to eat healthy should just stick to the regular Twinkie. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

The U.S. Census bureau found that only 7% of Americans identify themselves as bisexual. This is shocking new to anyone who watches porn. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Not sure I’m on board with the idea of “6 Californias.” But I am very interested in the idea of 35 Rhode Islands. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Tonight Dave Franco helps me learn about Tinder. Also tonight, I learn how cruel the internet can be. http://t.co/c5hpTFiEcj — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

So Stephen Colbert debuted the first masturbating bear? Tonight, I make @StephenAtHome pay for his grotesque lie.   — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

In recent speeches, President Obama has been calling on Americans to stop being so cynical. He’s probably getting paid to say that. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes has some pretty crass product placement, especially the scene where the apes start wearing Skechers. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Gonna kick this BBQ off right with my favorite summer groove: Bjork’s “Human Behaviour.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Ladies, let’s just say that the carpet matches whatever the metaphor for back hair would be. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m having martial problems. That’s not a typo, I have trouble conducting myself properly during wartime. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Money-saving tip: for one week, eat all your meals at a Shell gas station. — PolitiTweet.org