Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

“What drought?” – Lizards — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

“Groot, I am.” (Groot doing a Yoda impression) — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Quick question: Why is a flash mob of hipsters and yoga moms called a “farmer’s market?” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I don’t even trust real clouds anymore. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

On this Labor Day I'd like to salute the millions of Americans who day in and day out type 140 letters and hit Send. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I'm opening a restaurant that only serves bread bowls filled with smaller bread bowls. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Gummi worms are incredibly popular, so I’m not sure why my line of gummi chiggers didn’t take off. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I hate being recognized in restaurants, except when the waiter says, “Shall I put it on your tab, Ms. Swinton?” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

A woman is suing McDonalds because she bit into a Big Mac and found a Starbucks. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I hope I never discover a genie when I’m really hungry, tired, or unhappy with my cell phone reception. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I just got waylaid in Malay by Pele. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

So liberating - just threw car keys into ocean. Glad they weren’t my car keys. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Sweating like crazy. May have to switch to men’s deodorant. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Just taught my kids about the current U.S. Congress by taking their ball, going home, and crying. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Whole Foods has started selling rabbit meat? That’s great, I was looking for a place to buy way-too-expensive rabbit meat. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Tonight on #CONAN it's an hour of our most unprofessional and embarrassing rehearsal moments. If you like human error, this show's for you! — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

No one will see "The Expendables III" for me. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I think the ice bucket challenge caused some permanent shrinkage. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

When I retire I’m going to pursue my first passion: inventing pancakes that can be sold by the loaf. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

“Am I Groot?” (Groot having an identity crisis) — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

When does the Red Sox’s season start? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Have you seen those baby panda triplets? Two of them are really cute! — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I've accepted the #ALSIceBucketChallenge. Haven't checked the internet, but I think I'm the first celebrity. http://t.co/cxnx1iPi9G — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I can’t believe some jerk already has the license plate I requested: MSCORSESE — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Today I looked at some great times I had with Robin over the years. God bless him, he still really makes me laugh. http://t.co/UPB3JmtaZZ — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Absolutely stunned to hear the news about Robin Williams. It's unimaginable to me that we've lost such a genuinely funny and sweet man. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Still no listeners for my new podcast about all my favorite podcasts. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I named my dog “Spot.” It doesn’t sound hip but it’s short for “Spotify.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Today, a historian told me the real Sam Adams never actually brewed a Blueberry Oatmeal Summer Stout. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

If you’re wondering what I was like in college, one time I had a pregnancy scare with my pillow. — PolitiTweet.org