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Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Ben Affleck said that his penis looks better in 3D. Mine does too, but my wife refuses to wear the glasses. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Still mountain biking during heat wave. Please tell me what I'm eating. Tastes like bitter almonds... http://t.co/ZLmC9PslOZ — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Mountain biking during heat wave. Just drank my urine. They sell it at Whole Foods. http://t.co/zFxAr8uqyc — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Well, the phrase “going viral” suddenly seems less cool. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Giants! Pirates! Dolphins! Apples! Corduroy! You thought this was a baseball tweet at first, didn’t you? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Tweeting this from the White House. The Obamas look so peaceful sleeping. #shhhh — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
If he or she owns finger cymbals, chances are the sex will be memorable. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I like to go to Whole Foods, put organic stickers on conventional produce, then sit back and watch the fireworks. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Clippers owner Steve Ballmer is banning his players from using Apple products. How do I get my kids on the Clippers? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
A flight from Boston to LA was diverted to Omaha after a passenger started masturbating. Nothing kills an erection like landing in Omaha. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I hope ‘The Equalizer’ is about Denzel being a badass by adding artificial sweetener to people’s coffee without asking. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
An evangelical rewrote a Harry Potter book to rid it of all the witchcraft. Sounds bad, but I really liked her other book “1 Shade of Grey.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
My iPhone 6 Plus is two days old and it’s already bent. Has anyone else had this issue after leaving their phone on train tracks overnight? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
My wife is boycotting the NFL. Her boycott began in 1987. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
They’re going to start locking the White House doors, but they’re still going to let pies cool on the window sill. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I’m an X-Man, if crying yourself to sleep is considered a mutant power. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I was going to buy the iPhone 6 Plus, but I already have a flat-screen TV. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Scientists discovered fossil evidence of the first swimming dinosaur, and @kingsthings hasn’t thanked me for not making a joke about it. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
iTunes is getting too invasive. Last night I woke up at 3am to find the new U2 album raiding my fridge. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
You might want to stay indoors today, Burbank. http://t.co/LrnVydt8a2 — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Today, Scotland and England laughed off reports they were breaking up and insist they’ve never been happier. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
A baseball player got suspended for Adderall use. Football players think that’s adorable. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The iPhone 6 can take 20 selfies in rapid succession, in case you were worried about the selfie shortage. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Backstage ready to perform at "The Simpsons Take The Bowl". I have extra hats. http://t.co/pGvb7XejdG — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
When you think about it, every cake has the potential to be a crumb cake. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I still think the third “Hobbit” film could be stretched to 5 movies. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The Dalai Lama says he should not have a successor and that the position has served its purpose. Sorry, Ray Liotta. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I hear the iPhone 7 is going to be a landline! — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Some scientists want to replace the handshake with the fist bump. Others want to replace the fist bump with the “tush push.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I never forget a name, Bro. — PolitiTweet.org
