Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I had to suspend Andy for 4 shows for knowingly deflating my hair. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My self-driving car sure does like Wendy’s drive-thrus. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

“Or MAYBE having sex with this robot frees me up to appreciate you for your true qualities.” – Every Guy Very Soon — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m going to go see the movie Aloha. I’m dying to know if it ends with a hello or a good-bye. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

“Gazpacho” is Spanish for “no microwave.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’d love to have @HillaryClinton as a guest on the show, but I can’t afford her speaking fee. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

In Pennsylvania, an 80-year-old widow found a 40-something year old man living in her house. She waited 2 years then called the cops. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Saw Mad Max: Fury Road. Not a lot of Priuses in that movie. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

A new study claims coffee fights erectile dysfunction. That explains Starbucks’ new slogan, “Who wants a grande? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

An earthquake hit Las Vegas. 1,200 Elvises were all shook up. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

College grads: If you’re looking for work, consider the fast-growing field of “Republican presidential candidate.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

LA will raise its minimum wage to $15 p/h by 2020. Angelenos making minimum wage said they can’t wait to be able to buy things in 5 years. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

It's absolutely absurd to thank David Letterman for all he's done in a tweet. But that's the world we live in now. #ThanksDave — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My wife and I have an understanding. When a gorgeous model comes on the show, my wife understands I'll do nothing. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

When I'm on my death bed, my last words will be, "Who the hell put me on this death bed?" — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

.@ThirdManRecords is offering new LP photo sleeves. @RollingStone called mine "The Greatest Album Ever Made": http://t.co/n9c02S1YeS — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

You can wear tennis shoes anywhere, but golf shoes are only good for golf and rough sex. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Still trying to find a problem that cheese can’t fix. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Today is a success. I did NOT click on a Buzzfeed link entitled “17 Ways Your Talkshow is Giving You Cancer.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

C’mon, Republicans, two more presidential candidates and we’ll have an even 100. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

In New York, having a Guinness at this terrific bar on 2nd Avenue. Just thought you'd want to know. http://t.co/zK0MWbY5v3 — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I don’t care what anyone says, I’m still sleeping in my Tom Brady pajamas. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

My daughter tricked me into getting her an Apple watch by threatening to get a wrist tattoo. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Look for me in the credits of the new Entourage movie. I was “Lead Fedora Wrangler.” — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Carly Fiorina has a great strategy to win the nomination. She’s going to lay off the other candidates. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Is the link to the new Magic Mike trailer a good Mother’s Day gift? — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I don't normally do #FF, but my Associate Producer/Office Creep @JordanSchlansky just joined Twitter. Follow him if you hate life. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I played #Witcher3 on #CONAN and battled my greatest nemesis: Sexual frustration. http://t.co/LQIw3BZ2xw #CluelessGamer — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

Dr. Ben Carson was the first surgeon to successfully separate conjoined twins joined at the head. The Koch brothers are forever thankful. — PolitiTweet.org

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

I’m sad that young people will never experience the magic of seeing pornography on the big screen. — PolitiTweet.org