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Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I know exactly how Tom Cruise feels in “Mission: Impossible” whenever I’m searching for my ringing phone in a pair of cargo pants. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
“Please write more ‘Said No One, Ever’ Jokes” – said no one, ever. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
When’s the last time you used an automatic pencil sharpener? Give it a shot, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
You can put the word “blood” in front of “oranges” and people will still eat them. Don’t even try it, bananas. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The lines are long for Six Flags’ new ride, “The Market Lately.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The view out my childhood bedroom window in the attic. I used to look out and dream of becoming a great woman. http://t.co/XUetrY3xcV — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Just saw "Hamilton" and got to meet Lin-Manuel Miranda. Easily the best show I have ever seen. Seriously. http://t.co/eDi22oMADT — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
“Oh bother! I’m all out of hunny,” said Winnie the Pooh. “But bears are omnivores,” he added, leveling his gaze at Piglet. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
In my entire life, I’ve never heard a single person say, “OK, who ate all the Goddamn Saltines?” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Made my wife shout "Yes!" in bed last night. (Asked her who her favorite 70's rock band was.) — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The hand model in commercials who squeezes lemon juice on breaded shrimp? That’s a sweet gig. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Future archaeologists will wonder if our sports teams were named after animals or our animals were named after sports teams. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The most popular boy and girl names are “Noah” and “Emma.” The least popular: “Conan” and “Syphillina.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
If they replace Alexander Hamilton with a woman, I’ll never put a ten in my front pocket without muttering “please close your eyes.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Dave Grohl has done more with a broken leg than most Americans do in their lifetime. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The word “awesomesauce” is now in the dictionary. Call me old fashioned but I’m going to stick with “sperm.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Stephen Hawking says he’s solved a big black hole mystery. That’s great, Steve –get back to me when you’ve figured out who stole my yogurt. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Spending a quiet evening at home, just me and my Nicki Minaj wax figure. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
When you have my skin, every day is #BurningMan — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Sec. of Agriculture Tom Vilsack endorsed Hillary Clinton. Hillary called to say “thanks” as soon as she was done googling, “Tom Vilsack.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I hope Guardians of the Galaxy 2 is a prequel, so Vin Diesel can spend 2 hours saying, “I will be Groot.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
.@KChenoweth Yes, you nailed it, the severe bruises over each eye are a perfect match http://t.co/P1nk8JtPnF — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Those Ashley Madison users who are suing the company for breach of contract have really taken the moral flat ground. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I don’t believe in air-conditioning and neither do the people who pretend to love to work for me. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I'm tired of waking up to find paparazzi going through my garbage cans, dressed as garbage men, with a big loud garbage truck. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Don’t hate the playa, hate the game – specifically, Boggle. — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Did you know that El Chapo has his own show on MSNBC? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Starbucks is starting to serve beer and wine. It’s part of their mission, “Always finding new ways to make you pee.” — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Before we completely write him off as a joke, why don’t we at least find out more about the foreign policy experience of Deez Nuts? — PolitiTweet.org
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Gangs are now facing off online. You can hear more about it in Dr. Dre’s new album, “Straight Outta Etsy.” — PolitiTweet.org
